Thursday, December 23, 2010

'Tis the Season to be Cunty... tra la la la laaa la la la la...

Yep, it's that time again.

You know; to get drunk and smack your wives and children around, to commit acts of gross public intoxication, and to otherwise demonstrate that you are a lowly blight upon humanity.

While I didn't hear any bells jingling in the early hours, I certainly did hear a number of revelers brawling outside and, when going out to do a job first thing this morning, found the streets awash in broken glass and vomit.

Just your normal everyday Christmas then.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Another product review: Comms

Communications, or comms, play a vital part in our line of work. As such, the equipment we use needs to be robust and reliable, usable in an overt or covert role. I've been looking at some options regarding radio communications and have started trialling "the radio you want by your side for Mission Critical Communications" (corporate wankspeak from brochure) - the Motorola MTP850.

Well, it's going to be a short blog post as I'm pretty much sold on it.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

(Not So) Anonymous Investigator caught out

It seems that I have been far too clever (or not enough) for my own good.

A client, Mr Standish (not his real name), received my report regarding a certain document service job. However, and by total coincidence, Mr Standish  is also a long-time reader of this very blog and put two and two together...

My identity, such as it is, has been compromised.

I am not as anonymous as I would like.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Service Interruption Announcement

Dear Reader, I have just secured the domain (no point clicking on it yet, there's nothing there).

I'll be moving this blog over to the new domain in the near future.

As you were.

The Comfort of Strangers

The door opened and she stood in the doorway. Maybe she had just woken up; her eyelids were heavy and her lips were dark and moist. Almost bruised. She was a good looking dame and I couldn't help but stare.

"Vera?" I asked, holding the envelope out in one hand. An invitation for her to take it from me.

She smiled and tilted her head slightly, sizing me up. Then she turned away from the open door and, ignoring my outstretched hand entirely, walked slowly back into the house. I had a clear view of her retreating back but my eyes were drawn further down to the mesmerising sway of her hips.

"You had better come in" she said over her shoulder. She held a wineglass carelessly in one hand; empty, I noticed.

She sounded a little drunk. 

I stepped in and closed the door behind me.

I swear this is *exactly* what happened!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Houses of Horror: A Comedy of Errors

Sometimes we are faced with things we least expect.

Today I had a repossession warrant to effect for a client to uplift a computer system from the debtor's address at 2/120 S********* Street.

A routine matter.

We arrived at the address to find 4 units at that location, A through to D. No problem, I thought. It's not uncommon that people might write 2/120 instead of 120B, right?

Monday, November 22, 2010

How I became a PI

Once, Dear Reader, before I was this jaded and world weary private investigator that I am today, I once had dreams and aspirations.

Hard to believe, I know.

In those heady days of unbridled optimism and thoughts of the shining and perfect future awaiting me, I was working towards a particular career path with a certain governmental agency who shall remain nameless.

Let's just say they are a bit spooky.

The use of Human Intelligence Sources

Just like Mulder's "Deep Throat", I too have my inside sources that provide me with much-needed inside information at times. Information that technically may be illegal to access without proper authority.

Authority that, naturally, I lack.

Now, if it's perfectly legal acceptable for states to cultivate covert HUMINT sources, really, how can I be punished for doing likewise, albeit in a private capacity?

The height of hypocrisy, anyone?

Monday, November 15, 2010

Product review: Livescribe Echo 4GB Smartpen

As promised in my earlier post, I've put the Livescrive Echo Smartpen to the test and sadly have found it not quite all I had hoped.

Well, not so much the pen which does the job as stated, and that's pretty cool. However, coolness alone is just not enough, I wanted to see if it could be applied to investigative tasks such as when taking witness statements and the like.

How did it fare?

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Ye shall know them by their fruits

Sometimes, when I should be doing more productive things, I am prone to wandering the stranger and less-travelled roads of the interwebs. And as Nietzsche ruminated, when you gaze into the Abyss, the Abyss also gazes back into you.

On that note, allow me to introduce you to this blog I have just discovered; the cleverly titled "ORGANIZED STALKING AGAINST ME by EAST INDIANS in the VANCOUVER, WA / PORTLAND, OR METRO AREA" (capitalisation is Author's) because that's exactly the subject matter covered.

In case you have difficulty making sense of the author's stream of consciousness outpouring, allow me to assist you in getting to the heart of the matter.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

When Nature Calls...

Surveillance cases can mean long and arduous hours sitting in place with eyes on an address waiting for the subject to make an appearance.

Sometimes really looooooong hours.

And while you are sitting, baking in the heat, you need to keep your fluid intake up otherwise risk dehydration.

All that fluid has to go somewhere, right? And eventually it does, most likely in an inopportune moment. Life's funny that way.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Holy Perestroika, Batman.

I'm not a sexy spy posing for a men's magazine and I don't play one on TV, but that's how they roll in Mother Russia these days.

While totally ineffectual as a spy, I'm guessing Anna Chapman (somewhat surprisingly, that *is* her real name) is going to be more successful as a pin-up girl fueling the masturbatory fantasies of 13 year-old boys everywhere.

Those crazy Russians. What shenanigans will they get up to next?

Monday, October 18, 2010

All the better to fight crime: must-have gadgetry

Now anyone who knows me will tell you that I like to spend money on non-essential items. They will insist upon referring to these items as toys when the correct nomenclature is tools.

This alone demonstrates their shallow depth of understanding my trade.

Anyway, recently I have discovered this product. A smartpen that electronically stores not only everything written but also records what was said at that time (and links the written text with the recorded voice). It also has a range of other features but those the the main ones.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Open Case Files

This week is turning out to be a fairly hectic one. I've got a number of cases I'm working outside the routine (bread and butter) work I do as an agent for several out-of-town companies.

Case A: Surveillance on a sex offender who may be breaching his parole conditions.

Case B: Background investigation into a possible fraudster who is also threatening to kill family of victim if she ends her relationship.

Case C: Further work on Mrs Crusoe's case.

And if that wasn't enough to keep me occupied, which it is, even my 'routine' cases are anything but. A simple field visit regarding payment defaults has now also turned into a fraud investigation as many details provided in credit application have since turned out to be entirely false.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Putting a dollar value on violence

I have a bit of a dilemma, Dear Reader. I have been contacted by a Reputable Businessman who has been unfairly treated by another gentleman and seeks (in)appropriate recompense.

The other party is a dubious character of some ill-repute around this city, a shady businessman known as Marky Sales (not his real name).

Now the Aggrieved Party and Marky Sales had a verbal agreement about the provision of some goods and services which, in essence, were to be paid in full upon completion of said services.

The Aggrieved Party did not have a sales contract or written agreement with Mr Sales, because Marky gave his word. I know you are asking what could possibly go wrong with this gentlemanly arrangement...?

Friday, October 08, 2010

Unreasonable friends

You know, sometimes when you try to do the right thing you still get shit for it.

Hardly seems fair.

Take my friend Manson (not his real name). I've been using his place over the past few weeks to crash or otherwise avail myself of the facilities when needed - thanks Manson - but today I was in a bit of a bind.

I'd just been helping out another friend with some moving and then had a meeting with some lawyers I hadn't done any work for previously, and was somewhat in need of a shower and change of clothes. As Manson was away at work and hadn't left the spare key out, I just did what any other Resourceful PI does in this situation...

Monday, October 04, 2010

Happy to be wrong!

Over the last few weeks I'd been wondering whether I had become, like many of my clients, a victim...

Yes, it pains me to admit it but this Clever Investigator made an online purchase of a reasonably expensive electronic item (all the better to fight crime and not a toy etc etc) and then grew increasingly worried when said item failed to arrive and the emails from the seller just stopped.

Happily, the purchase was finally delivered personally by the seller after much chasing and many emails and phone calls. I am relieved.

And vindicated.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Doomed from the start, I tell you. Doomed!

There's been not much of note to report on as of late, Dear Reader, just have been working on closing some minor files that I've had for a while. Nothing remotely exciting or interesting - at least at this stage although one case has some potential for a later blog posting.

However, I have embarked on a bit of an experiment, of sorts: I have decided to start writing. Not a blog, like this, no - a novel. Actually, it's not really a new thought - I've been contemplating it for years but finally I've decided to go ahead and actually do something about it.

Starting things isn't really my problem, as anyone who knows me would happily tell you, finishing is. However, and with no regard to the Great Thesis Fiasco of 2001-2003, I have already begun.

Perhaps surprisingly, it isn't a 'detective novel'. Or maybe it is, although not in any traditional sense. And it certainly won't be in a lurid hardboiled style... that's for sure.

Beyond that, I don't want to give too much away at this stage, in case it all goes horribly wrong.

And as that Assyrian clay tablet, dated around 2800BC, stated:
The Earth is degenerating today. Bribery and corruption abound. Children no longer obey their parents, every man wants to write a book, and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching.
 It really must be the end of the world.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Sage advice to clients

Private Investigator Thomas H. Humphreys (his real name - no, I didn't just make that up) blogged a timely post giving advice to would-be clients.

You can read his post here in full but the salient points are as follows:

Friday, September 17, 2010

The Usual Story

Mrs Crusoe has a problem. Sadly, it seems all too common - and not just with men of a 'particular' age...

Mr Crusoe has lost interest in her, sexually.

That part's not really the problem - although I guess it could be bad enough - but no, Mr Crusoe *hasn't* lost interest, sexually, in other women. Just his wife.

See where this is heading?

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Do not adjust your set: Normal service will resume shortly

It appears that the worst may shortly be over and that I will be able to return to The Fortress sooner than anticipated. The cordons have mostly been lifted and while the front of the building remains off limits, the side and rear entry is unblocked.

Technically, the building is yellow-stickered meaning access is restricted to tenants only and limited to essential purposes.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Okay, *now* I'm pissed!

So I survived the Zombie Apocalypse more or less intact, or so I thought.

Well, I thought wrong.

Yes, Dear Readers, I've gone from being the Hardy PI Survivor to homeless, unable to conduct business, and on temporary welfare assistance.


Monday, September 06, 2010

Where were you during the Zombie Apocalypse of 2010?

Well, we're only short a few living dead to really call it a Zombie Apocalypse but for all intents and purposes, with a dash of poetic licence, it's close enough!

I know that you, Dear Reader, are thrilled to know I have survived and "The Fortress" has withstood the worst of the effects of the devastation.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Pants on Fire!

It may sadden you to learn, Dear Reader, that not everyone may be as scrupulously honest as you or I.

It's true.

For some unfathomable reason, some individuals feel the need to tell me outright lies but then persist in those lies even when found out.

I just wish they were better at it.

Take Nicky Lloyd (not his real name) for example. The job started out as a routine doorknock to last known address to encourage Mr Lloyd to make contact with client as they have been unable to get hold of him in a while.

Straightforward, you would expect.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

One wedding, maybe a couple of funerals

Today is the Wedding Day of a good friend, and blog reader, Boy Valentine (not his real name).

Being the responsible type of upstanding individual that I am, I have been tasked with the important mission of getting the Groom and Best Man (Saul Danson) to the wedding on time and, presumably, in one piece.

I haven't told him yet that there's just one quick job we have to do on the way.

Seriously, what could possibly go wrong?

In the news: Hey, what do you know, it *is* stalking. Maybe.

As it turns out, Timothy Stitt has discovered that it is stalking even with a licence. At least in Colorado where Mr Stitt was arrested and charged with felony stalking after placing a GPS tracker on a car belonging to one Shantele Sherman.  Mr Stitt was surveilling Sherman on behalf of her estranged husband, Jeff Schudel, who is embroiled in a child-custody dispute.

Actually, Colorado is one of only a handful of US states that does not require PIs to be licenced.

Meanwhile, in another matter, it has been reported that the European Appeal Tribunal has concluded:
"...covert surveillance does not contravene the individual’s right to privacy under Article 8 of the European Convention of Human Rights (ECHR). However the level of covert surveillance cannot be disproportionate to achieving its aims."
 If only Mr Stitt had been living in a more civilised society, eh?

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

In the news: Aussie tart sues for millions in harassment claim

It isn't often I comment on something in the news (apart from all the other times) but after reading about how Kristy Fraser-Kirk is suing Australian retail giant David Jones for AUD$37million I thought this was worth a post.

Incidentally, Australian PI of some renown (or infamy, depending on your point of view), Frank Monte, also weighs in and you can read all about it here.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Aussie Bullshit - Psychic finds body, just not one she was looking for

It wasn't Laura Palmer (there was no head) but a psychic investigator looking for a missing Sydney girl instead found a female torso wrapped in plastic in a reserve in Doonside.

You can read about it here.

You might be thinking, "wow, she must be onto something" but remember, she was looking for a six year-old child and found the remains of a thirty-one year-old woman instead.

I suppose they might be roughly the same dimensions, if you lose the head and maybe the limbs. Perhaps the spirits were being vague?

Playing a practical joke, maybe?

If I were a betting man I'd wager the 'psychic' will be trying to capitalise on her 'success'. No doubt she'll have her own 0900 $5.00/minute line any day now.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

Decimus Iunius Iuvenalis knew a thing or two although I secretly think he might have been a member of the Tinfoil Helmet Brigade of his day. Okay, perhaps a Lead Helmet since tinfoil was not invented for almost 2000 years, but I digress.

Who watches the watchers?

Perhaps it is the bane of those of us who watch others for a living, that we slowly succumb to paranoia of being watched ourselves.

Or maybe it's just me.

Monday, August 09, 2010

INFOSEC and you

The weather here has been a bit cold and blustery lately, the latter contributing to a mess in the carpark of my office building. You see downstairs, in the car park, is a communal-use skip for all in the building to throw out their rubbish.

However, with the weather the way it has been, the carpark has been littered with loose papers flying around including bank statements, credit card information, and other personal and financial information regarding clients of several other businesses in this building.

Seriously bad form there, chaps!

Saturday, August 07, 2010

More Bullshit: Tarot card readers used in missing persons case in Florida

A recent news article from the US reports how a former private investigator for the family of a missing toddler regularly consulted a team of tarot card readers for leads.

I guess this proves, if nothing else, that some PIs are just as gullible, naive, or retarded as their clients.

Perhaps I'm being a bit harsh, you say? What harm does it do if it beings peace and solace to the family, you ask?

Where do I start?

Thursday, August 05, 2010


I apologise in advance if this seems unrelated to investigations although there is a passing connection in that it relates to a recent purchase I made of another surveillance technical manual via the internet.

This particular post is regarding words and alternate meanings that others outside your organisation may not understand. I, for example, recently was made aware of my lack of knowledge regarding other possible meanings for 'expedited' and 'goodwill'.

Early in June I came across a reference to a particular book that I had not previously heard of and having found a number of copies available for sale through*, eagerly made my purchase. 

(* Not their real name)

Monday, August 02, 2010

Marketing woes

It's the eternal question: just how do you effectively market a discreet service? There's no point in being so discreet that potential clients can't find you but then I don't want to be plastered on the side of a bus either.

Recently, another PI firm made the news by being caught out (again) doing something of questionable legality. That's the third time in as many years.

Clearly the bad press the previous two incidents generated didn't put off another corporate client with, no doubt, deep pockets so perhaps it's true that bad press is better than no press.

Is it really the case?

What innovative marketing strategies should I be looking into apart from having my incompetence published for all to see nationwide?

Sunday, August 01, 2010

A typical day

She leaned forward and gazed into my eyes, pleadingly. "I just couldn't go on like this" she said, almost in a whisper.

My heart stuck in my throat; she was a great-looking dame with fantastic pins a man could die for. A real classy broad. And Frank, her low-down husband, was doing the dirty with his secretary, Blanche. 

It didn't get any better, I'd tailed the lovers back to Louie's on 42nd Street. A real dive where the only thing worse than the cheap gin and stale cigarette smoke were the cheaper digs upstairs. Available by the hour for the discerning clientele, if you get my drift.

And that's where I found them, right above Louie's. Frank and Blanche, both dead, shot at point-blank range and Vera still standing there above the bed, the smoking gat in her hand... 

I wish.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

More Houses of Horror...

Sometimes I get sent to some strange and definitely creepy places.

One place that will always stay in my mind is what started off as a routine document service job on a woman who had missed quite a few payments on her mortgage.

It was a nice spring morning, the sun was shining and it was warm - perfect for going on a nice drive in the country. 

Perfect day for a murder...

Friday, July 09, 2010

Luck of the Devil

It is time to be completely honest with you, Dear Reader, but sometimes investigations are not broken by diligence, attention to detail, or hard work but by another factor entirely.

Blind luck.

The role luck can play is almost scary in some cases, like this particular tale of how I uncovered a serious fraud when I was actually conducting a simple background check.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Not so Cool

Occasionally, and somewhat surprisingly that it doesn't happen more often, we have to deal with an angry individual who is not pleased to see us.

Whether they are threatening to kill us if they ever see us again (right before we come back to repossess their second vehicle that evening), or they are just generally abusive when we are making our enquiries - it isn't a particularly pleasant experience.

Of course, it would probably help to remember that it's not our fault they haven't paid their bills or whatever (although to hear them carry on you'd think that I was the former Camp Commander at Auschwitz or something).

Enter Mr Cool to illustrate this point.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Shameless Product Placement #1

"Surveillance Tradecraft: the Professional's Guide to Covert Surveillance Training" by Peter Jenkins.

Seriously good reference manual for beginner and veteran alike, updated material to that provided in "Advanced Surveillance". Check it out here.

Uncharacteristically, I even posted a review (to which the author was good enough to respond to my only gripe).

Last word: if you're a surveillance operator this is a 'must have' for your library.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


I have to admit this one caught me unawares, Dear Reader. Sometimes the Tinfoil Helmet Brigade appear, at first, as disarmingly rational as you or I.

Take Mrs Middleton, for example. She calls the office asking to make an appointment to discuss a missing persons enquiry. She lost contact with her daughter some 10 months prior and was running out of options.

"No problem", says the hapless hero. "My office door is open".

Little did I know that I too was merely a cog in a greater machine. A machine of conspiracy and intimidation.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear

Sometimes, Dear Reader, things do not go according to plan. In fact, I believe it was Helmuth von Moltke the Elder who stated "no plan ever survives contact with the enemy."

Moltke should have been backing me up the other day.

It started out routinely enough: it was a basic mobile follow from the target's home address to see if he was going to where he told his wife he would be. (The precursor to this story can be found here.)

Nothing particularly complex about this. Or so I thought at the time.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010


Years ago, one of my first surveillance jobs was on an individual who was allegedly part of a burglary ring who were stealing laptops and the like to order. Supposedly he was also using the proceeds of his illicit activities to fuel his methamphetamine habit and we had been warned not to get caught as he is prone to violence. We're also told to expect that he is surveillance-aware.


We'd already spent a number of evenings staking out his house with nothing to report. Seriously nothing, no-one coming or going. For all we knew no-one was home at all but such is the nature of surveillance work: it's 99% boredom.

But then there's that other 1%...

Sunday, June 06, 2010

A Fool and Other People's Money

A recent case started out innocently, if not dully, enough: make a field call to an address to speak with the customer of a client who had not made a number of payments and had also not responded to attempts at communication.

Fairly routine so far. Except that I had a feeling that the name (let's call him Porter) and the address sounded familiar...

Well, once I arrived at the address I realised I had been here before on behalf of another client some months previously, and there was in fact no such person by the name Porter ever having lived there. Aha! False details given... now we're going somewhere more interesting.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Tinfoil Helmet Brigade #2

The following is taken from a website where freelance investigators bid for jobs internationally. Unfortunately, there is no (or at least none as far as I can tell) scrutiny as to the suitability of the vendors and the site is plagued by scammers. That aside, the clients aren't much better either. 

The following case description and further information is provided by the client, mranderson, who requires some assistance in proving that the US Department of Defence is out gunning specifically for him:

I am looking for a private investigator that is technically capable such that they will be able to prove that the United States Department of Defense or some such powerful entity, is unlawfully infiltrating my online-entertainment space as well as possibly real life traffic in an effort to peruse a criminal and grudge based escalating McCarthyistic psychological war of abuse against me, an innocent, hard working, tax paying patriot.

Working in Bad Weather

"It was a dark and stormy night, the rain fell in torrents..."

Apart from being a literary cliche, it also perfectly describes the conditions over the past few days which has had an adverse effect on several investigations.

It's difficult to report on activity when you can't actually see anything because of the rain...

Monday, May 24, 2010


Aye, me salty chums, those Lubbers at the High Court have seen fit to blast me plan under the waterline giving me some nonsense that they have never known of anyone other than the Registrarrrr or Bailiff to lawfully board a Prize vessel and arrest her.

Arrrrr! If that don't take the wind out o' me sails...

Still, I'm not ready to dance the hempen jig just yet, I am making further enquiries to that end.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Ask a PI Week

Yes, Dear Readers, our operators are standing by for our first official Ask a PI * week.

That's right, you can submit the questions that you've always wanted to ask a PI and one of our trained monkeys investigators will get back to you. If we don't know the answer, we'll just make it up. For free.

Don't delay, this offer expires soon.

* Nothing in the answers we provide constitutes actual advice, legal or otherwise, and we cannot be held liable for anything stupid you may do as a result. By posting a question, you indemnify us against all claims for damages arising from mockery, hurt feelings, and/or reckless stupidity. You also signify your acceptance that your question may be posted in its entirety, or otherwise edited for clarity or comedic value.

Avast ye! Heave-to and prepare to be boarded!

I not a pirate be, Laddie, but a Gentleman of Enterprise. And today I am looking into the enterprising business of being suitably authorised to lawfully detain, ie 'arrest', ships under Admiralty (or Maritime) Law. Usually this is done when the ship is in port but may also be performed if at anchor.


Okay, so no hoisting of the Jolly Roger but maybe I'll be permitted to wear an eyepatch or something.

Anyway, I barely know Port from Starboard (actually, I do - but I am otherwise ignorant of things nautical) but I don't see how that could possibly be a hindrance.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The difference between Unethical and Illegal

From time to time we may be asked to undertake a job that does not sit comfortably in a black and white worldview. Some jobs are more suited to a particular shade of grey - where the law can be bent to suit a particular purpose. Bent, certainly, but not broken.

I guess you might label these types of jobs unethical.

Then there are the types of cases where action very clearly sits on the other side of conventional legality. There is no convenient blurring of the edges of the law here, we are asked to do the illegal.

What's the difference?

Price, mostly.

Monday, May 17, 2010

There really is no such thing as a free lunch

Honestly, I sometimes wonder what people are thinking when they make an enquiry. Well, actually I don't because I already know the way the conversation is playing out in their heads.

Client: Hello, I was just wanting to know if you could follow my cheating bastard of a husband and get the proof I need to leave him forever?

Plucky PI: Certainly Madam, what specifically did you have in mind?

Client: Well, I was thinking maybe I could have you follow him at all hours, giving you virtually no notice and have you generally at my beck and call.

Plucky PI: Marvelous, Madam, we can certainly handle that. We will require $X in advance and our standard charges are $Y per hour per person. Expenses are additional. How would you like to pay?

Client: ***...silence...***

Plucky PI: Hello...?

Client: Oh, that much? I was sort of hoping that you would undertake to work all these unsociable hours, keeping you away from your family and friends and any semblance of a personal life, running around at my every whim for, say, a pittance? In fact, I was rather hoping you would put this ball-gag in your mouth and bend over so I can fuck you up the arse with this strap-on while doing so. Would that be acceptable?     

No, Dear Reader, that would not be acceptable.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Dealing with an unfounded complaint

I am sad to say that not everyone is enamoured of my high level of professionalism, Dear Reader.

In fact, I have been the subject of a complaint (series of complaints, actually) from one individual who was clearly not all that happy regarding my attendances to his home and work places in regards to a particular matter.

Mr Smooth (clearly not his real name) has made a number of allegations including that I had 'abused' his terminally ill wife. He also stated that I did so in the presence of a witness, but was not able to provide specifics when asked in response to his complaint.

Now I'm not above admitting I've made a mistake on the very rare occasion that might happen, but I'm certainly not going to apologise for something I never did. And that was what I told Mr Smooth.

His response?

Two drunkenly slurred messages left on my voicemail late one evening making further demands I apologise 'or else...'