Monday, May 31, 2010

Tinfoil Helmet Brigade #2

The following is taken from a website where freelance investigators bid for jobs internationally. Unfortunately, there is no (or at least none as far as I can tell) scrutiny as to the suitability of the vendors and the site is plagued by scammers. That aside, the clients aren't much better either. 

The following case description and further information is provided by the client, mranderson, who requires some assistance in proving that the US Department of Defence is out gunning specifically for him:

I am looking for a private investigator that is technically capable such that they will be able to prove that the United States Department of Defense or some such powerful entity, is unlawfully infiltrating my online-entertainment space as well as possibly real life traffic in an effort to peruse a criminal and grudge based escalating McCarthyistic psychological war of abuse against me, an innocent, hard working, tax paying patriot.

Working in Bad Weather

"It was a dark and stormy night, the rain fell in torrents..."

Apart from being a literary cliche, it also perfectly describes the conditions over the past few days which has had an adverse effect on several investigations.

It's difficult to report on activity when you can't actually see anything because of the rain...

Monday, May 24, 2010


Aye, me salty chums, those Lubbers at the High Court have seen fit to blast me plan under the waterline giving me some nonsense that they have never known of anyone other than the Registrarrrr or Bailiff to lawfully board a Prize vessel and arrest her.

Arrrrr! If that don't take the wind out o' me sails...

Still, I'm not ready to dance the hempen jig just yet, I am making further enquiries to that end.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Ask a PI Week

Yes, Dear Readers, our operators are standing by for our first official Ask a PI * week.

That's right, you can submit the questions that you've always wanted to ask a PI and one of our trained monkeys investigators will get back to you. If we don't know the answer, we'll just make it up. For free.

Don't delay, this offer expires soon.

* Nothing in the answers we provide constitutes actual advice, legal or otherwise, and we cannot be held liable for anything stupid you may do as a result. By posting a question, you indemnify us against all claims for damages arising from mockery, hurt feelings, and/or reckless stupidity. You also signify your acceptance that your question may be posted in its entirety, or otherwise edited for clarity or comedic value.

Avast ye! Heave-to and prepare to be boarded!

I not a pirate be, Laddie, but a Gentleman of Enterprise. And today I am looking into the enterprising business of being suitably authorised to lawfully detain, ie 'arrest', ships under Admiralty (or Maritime) Law. Usually this is done when the ship is in port but may also be performed if at anchor.


Okay, so no hoisting of the Jolly Roger but maybe I'll be permitted to wear an eyepatch or something.

Anyway, I barely know Port from Starboard (actually, I do - but I am otherwise ignorant of things nautical) but I don't see how that could possibly be a hindrance.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The difference between Unethical and Illegal

From time to time we may be asked to undertake a job that does not sit comfortably in a black and white worldview. Some jobs are more suited to a particular shade of grey - where the law can be bent to suit a particular purpose. Bent, certainly, but not broken.

I guess you might label these types of jobs unethical.

Then there are the types of cases where action very clearly sits on the other side of conventional legality. There is no convenient blurring of the edges of the law here, we are asked to do the illegal.

What's the difference?

Price, mostly.

Monday, May 17, 2010

There really is no such thing as a free lunch

Honestly, I sometimes wonder what people are thinking when they make an enquiry. Well, actually I don't because I already know the way the conversation is playing out in their heads.

Client: Hello, I was just wanting to know if you could follow my cheating bastard of a husband and get the proof I need to leave him forever?

Plucky PI: Certainly Madam, what specifically did you have in mind?

Client: Well, I was thinking maybe I could have you follow him at all hours, giving you virtually no notice and have you generally at my beck and call.

Plucky PI: Marvelous, Madam, we can certainly handle that. We will require $X in advance and our standard charges are $Y per hour per person. Expenses are additional. How would you like to pay?

Client: ***...silence...***

Plucky PI: Hello...?

Client: Oh, that much? I was sort of hoping that you would undertake to work all these unsociable hours, keeping you away from your family and friends and any semblance of a personal life, running around at my every whim for, say, a pittance? In fact, I was rather hoping you would put this ball-gag in your mouth and bend over so I can fuck you up the arse with this strap-on while doing so. Would that be acceptable?     

No, Dear Reader, that would not be acceptable.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Dealing with an unfounded complaint

I am sad to say that not everyone is enamoured of my high level of professionalism, Dear Reader.

In fact, I have been the subject of a complaint (series of complaints, actually) from one individual who was clearly not all that happy regarding my attendances to his home and work places in regards to a particular matter.

Mr Smooth (clearly not his real name) has made a number of allegations including that I had 'abused' his terminally ill wife. He also stated that I did so in the presence of a witness, but was not able to provide specifics when asked in response to his complaint.

Now I'm not above admitting I've made a mistake on the very rare occasion that might happen, but I'm certainly not going to apologise for something I never did. And that was what I told Mr Smooth.

His response?

Two drunkenly slurred messages left on my voicemail late one evening making further demands I apologise 'or else...'

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Using Our Powers for Good, Not Evil

I recently completed a case for an overseas client, a bank as it turned out. I was tasked with locating an individual to tell him that he had recently come into some money.

Good news, right?

Of course, I also had to tell him his father died. No such thing as a free lunch.

But how hard could it be to successfully locate someone whose total details known are first and last names (and middle initial only), a year of birth, and a post box last known to be used in 2007 and subsequently closed?