It's not stalking if you have a licence

Wanted: Mrs Peel

2012-01-26T06:16:00.002+01:00

When I think of the term 'plucky assistant' I immediately conjur up an image of the character of Mrs Peel from The Avengers (the British TV series from 1961-69, not the godawful US movie).

Well, not so much an assistant as sidekick and, yes, there is very much a difference between the two - but certainly the very definition of plucky.

Sadly, I'm no John Steed but I am looking for an Emma Peel.

I think I may just need a part-time admin assistant to help me sort out the isues I have with paperwork.

I just don't do any.

That may be a bit of a stretch but I am appallingly bad in getting paperwork done in a timely fashion. I know it needs to be done and I sit there looking at the stack of files awaiting reports to be written but, hours later, I'll still be sitting there and the stack of files remains untouched.

I swear this pathological aversion is a recognised medical condition and, if not, certainly should be!

Enter Mrs Peel, or some facsimile of her.

Okay, I don't think Mrs Peel would be content doing Steed's typing; she's more into getting her hands dirty and karate-chopping the bad guys all the while looking fab in her catsuit or miniskirted ensemble.

Mmmm.

But anyway, I do need an assistant (on a very part-time basis to begin with) just to sort myself out. Clearly, I'm not capble of doing it myself. And if she chooses to do the typing wearing a Little Black Dress, well, who am I to say otherwise?

Ideally she will be an eclectic dilletante working for the love of it, not the money, since I probably can't even afford a monkey.

Still, it might be just the ticket to greater fame and fortune.

Open for applications, below.

What would the Jesus do?

2012-01-23T03:22:00.002+01:00

One thing I've been noticing for a while now is the number of Private Investigators, mostly American, who openly profess to love Jesus and list 'God', 'Christiantity' and (usually) 'Gun Rights' somewhere in their online profiles.

Fair enough, everyone has interests.

What I don't understand, however, is the level of bile and antipathy they express towards non-Christians and, in particular, Muslims. So much so that I have 'unfollowed' a number of PIs on Twitter because their rantings were starting to resemble those of the Taliban.

Now, possibly, I may be biased. I am not religious and really cannot comprehend how anyone with an inquiring mind could possibly take any religion seriously. What I find even more difficult to understand is how someone who is a professional investigator can just accept something quite ludicrous* at face value without any supporting evidence. Cause for cognitive dissonance if ever there was one.

But that doesn't really annoy me. What does is the sheer hypocrisy when so-called Christians crow about the deaths and desecration of Muslims, relish the destruction in Afghanistan or Iraq, or refuse to recognise the humanitarian plight in Palestine and elsewhere.

It's all well and good to accuse Mohammed of being a paedophile but you conveniently forget that Mary was not all that much older when she was impregnated, without consent, by a deity.

Sounds a little like rape to me.

To you I say take a long hard look at yourselves. You are what you profess to hate.

What would the Jesus do?

* For sake of clarity, I find Christianity. Islam and Judaism equally as ludicrous as each other.

Why the long face...?

2012-01-20T08:01:00.000+01:00

Not a big fan of Januaries.

I was going to post a glum tale of how slow things are this time of year (as in I've only invoiced out around 2.5 hours of billable time to my bread-and-butter clients when the month is two-thirds done) but then realised that things are not quite as bad as they seem.

I didn't take into account the 'one-offs' I've billed out that are due *this* month, not February, and a have a bunch of files that I'll close and bill out by end of January.

However, that doesn't mean things are all great either.

January is still a lean month thanks to lawyerly types taking protracted time off over the festive season and, I guess, other prospective clients cash-strapped after the Xmas spendup.

February is generally worse. I guess it's all the credit card bills coming home to roost. Not mine, I couldn't afford Xmas.

However, I'll try to keep an optimistic face on hoping (against hope) that something will 'come up' in my hour of need.

And perhaps something has.

A local city official, Mr Merryweather (not his real name) has raised the ire of numerous residents recently to the point where one, a locally famous raconteur and author Mr Bonet (also not his real name), published an opinion-piece in the press asking whether or not anyone knew of a 'public-spirited' PI. It seems that Mr Merryweather has unleased his own PI to snoop on a number of said residents and they are not happy. Mr Bonet proposes to turn the tables on Mr Merryweather by having aforementioned public-spirited PI dig the dirt, as it were, on Merryweather.

I should point out that Mr Merryweather is quite possibly the City's most hated person at the moment, for a number of perceived sins. The calls for his resignation are growing.

While the article was written facetiously, there was still a hint of underlying frustration and anger.

So I emailed Mr Bonet stating I was not exactly public-spirited but I was willing, at least, to listen.

Mr Bonet phoned me back shortly afterward.

He laughed that while he was mostly writing tongue-in-cheek, he did have an axe to grind with Mr Merryweather, as did a number of residents.

So we had a chat and I promised to make some enquiries regarding the hiring of the PI by the City as it seems to have been done outside the usual tendering process. I, for one, was not aware of such a tender (and I keep my eye out for such things) otherwise I would have applied myself...

Will snoop for cash.

Anyway, the upshot of it is there are potentially several thousand irate residents affected by Mr Merryweather's antics, and more who are just affronted by his very being. Now, if two thousand residents donated a mere $10.00 to the cause, well, that's a fair bit of investigative time at their disposal

See where I'm heading with this?

Perhaps something good will come out of all this, but I won't hold my breath just yet.

Will keep you posted.

Yep, definitely little people...

2012-01-12T15:05:00.001+01:00

Just had another of those "if you're not cop" moments.

Maybe I'm expecting too much.

Normally, I don't comment on active files but this one deserves a mention.

It all started with a car that was stolen just after Christmas...

However, the story goes back to around August last year when Mr Moody (not his real name), a gentleman in his 60s, meets a young woman under very odd circumstances. And let's just say, for sake of clarity, that Mr Moody is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He seems a genuine but naive, if not developmentally-challenged, individual.

Now on this particular evening, Mr Moody was in is car, waiting for a friend who was getting cash from an ATM outside a 24-hour bakery. A white van arrives and a young female exits, enters the shop and a short while later leaves. She smiles at Mr Moody and gets into the back of his car.

Mr Moody asks Mystery Girl what she is doing and she replies that the 2 men in the van tried to strangle her. She wants him to drive her away from the immediate vicinity, which he does.

Next she asks him to take her to an address where she has some clothes to pick up. Again, without asking any questions, he does so. She exits the vehicle, walks behind a fence, and shortly afterwards reappears with several plastic bags of clothing.

Mr Moody asks where she is staying and she says that she has nowhere to go...

He offers to let Mystery Girl stay at his place on his couch for a few days until she sorts herself out. Now while alarm bells would probably be ringing at this stage for you or I, Mr Moody takes people at face value and is predisposed to help people in need.

So Mystery Girl accepts his offer and for the next three days Mr Moody is driving her from one place to another - be it to visit her father or a girlfriend etc. The girl has promised to pay Moody a small sum ($60.00) for putting her up and running her around.

On Day 3, however, Mystery Girl is gone. No money paid to Mr Moody.

He puts it out of his mind and thinks no more about it until a couple days after Christmas, Mystery Girl walks into his house without so much as a knock on the door.

"I owe you some money" Mystery Girl says.

"Yes," replies Mr Moody.

"Do you have $40.00?" she asks.

"No" he says.

She directs him to take her down the road to where the prostitutes tout their wares. She disappears into a dark van and returns about 20 minutes later, asking to go back to Moody's. Once there, Mystery Girl offers to pay Moody in 'kind' rather than cash and he accepts. She instructs him to go into his room and wait while she freshens up.

He does.

After waiting 20 minutes, Mr Moody wonders what's happening and gets up.

Not only is Mystery Girl gone but so is his car!

This is where I come in, as the investigator appointed by the Insurer. I've interviewed Moody, identified several addresses of interest, made area enquiries and have established a number of leads:

Description of POI (Person of Interest) - she is quite distinctive and unlikely to be mistaken for someone else
Several names she is known to use (from an informant)
Identified the area she is known to 'work' from
Located and interviewed several other witnesses who have seen Mystery Girl at Address of Interest over past few days, latest sighting earlier in morning (getting out of white van...)
Identified another possible victim (elderly gentleman in 70s) that Mystery Girl and another known prostitute were fleecing
Learned that Mystery Girl has a serious drug habit and also deals
Mystery Girl owes a number of people serious cash for her drugs and is trying to avoiding them
Located another witness who saw Mystery Girl this very evening, getting out of a white van - and have CCTV footage

What I don't know is her actual name or where she is currently living.

Now, it's probably pertinent to point out that in the past 17 days since this was reported to the Police, no-one has yet interviewed Mr Moody. I am the only person who really has a lead on the suspect.

Right, so with that in mind, knowing that Mystery Girl is out and about (last sighting was less than an hour earlier), I contact the Police stating that I am the investigator assigned by the Insurance Company and that I have a particular suspect and I believe she is out 'working' this very night.

What I want to know is if I locate her current whereabouts tonight, will the Police at least make an appearance and get her details since so that she can be positively identified and questioned at a later time?

Short answer: no. Nor were they particularly interested in getting any details from me regarding the suspect (for that is what she is) just in case.

At what point are they going to do their fucking jobs?

I mean, there's been a complaint, and there is a suspect...

I've sent off an email to someone in Criminal Intelligence and hope they will be more inclined to an information sharing agreement - at least by providing the known details of Mystery Girl as she will most certainly be known to them.

I guess, on the positive side, I wasn't threatened with being arrested, unlike Thomas H. Humphries who details his experience when successfully tracking down a thief.

Crazy!

Answer me this...

2012-01-09T03:24:00.000+01:00

Here's a question some of you internet-savvy pundits may be able to answer for me.

How do website referrals work?

When I look at the statistics for this blog, I've noted that I'm getting significant traffic from some strange URLs that, for the life of me, I cannot understand.

At least I get www.thebigbearbutt.com although how a link to my blog ended up on a site devoted to World of Warcraft geekdom is a bit hazy. So if you, Dear Reader, are the sort of person who lives at home with your parents and stays up all night at the computer in your underwear pretending to be some elf-maiden with improbable breasts, you should go check out his site.

No, what I don't understand is the traffic I'm getting from a bunch of Ukranian and Russian sites that have absolutely NOTHING to do with investigations nor, as far as I can tell, is there any link to my blog.

So why are people coming here from there?

Moscow Rules

2012-01-09T02:10:00.001+01:00

With the recent adaptation of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy currently at the cinemas, I thought it timely to blog about another legacy of Cold War espionage: the Moscow Rules.

In case you don't know, the Moscow Rules are an alleged set of maxims regarding clandestine operations in, well, Moscow during a period of particularly aggressive counter-espionage efforts by the opposition.

Whether the 'rules' ever actually existed as a coherent body of work is open to debate. Antonio 'Tony' Mendez, a former CIA officer, stated:

"Although no one had written them down, they were the precepts we all understood ... By the time they got to Moscow, everyone knew these rules. They were dead simple and full of common sense..."

So, what are these rules?

Bear in mind that the following list (taken from the internet), while plausible, is unlikely to be canonical. However, there are some very valid points that are of relevance to a private investigator, whether they are of legitimate provenance, or not.

Assume nothing.
Technology will always let you down.
Murphy is right.
Never go against your gut.
Always listen to your gut; it is your operational antennae.
Everyone is potentially under opposition control.
Don’t look back; you are never completely alone. Use your gut.
Go with the flow; use the terrain.
Take the natural break of traffic.
Maintain a natural pace.
Establish a distinctive and dynamic profile and pattern.
Stay consistent over time.
Vary your pattern and stay within your profile.
Be non threatening: keep them relaxed; mesmerize!
Lull them into a sense of complacency.
Know the opposition and their terrain intimately.
Build in opportunity but use it sparingly.
Don’t harass the opposition.
Make sure they can anticipate your destination.
Pick the time and place for action.
Any operation can be aborted; if it feels wrong, then it is wrong.
Keep your options open.
If your gut says to act, overwhelm their senses.
Use misdirection, illusion, and deception.
Hide small operative motions in larger non threatening motions.
Float like a butterfly; sting like bee.
When free, In Obscura, immediately change direction and leave the area.
Break your trail and blend into the local scene.
Execute a surveillance detection run designed to draw them out over time.
Once is an accident; twice is a coincidence; three times is an enemy action.
Avoid static lookouts; stay away from chokepoints where they can reacquire you.
Select a meeting site so you can overlook the scene.
Keep any asset separated from you by time and distance until it is time.
If the asset has surveillance, then the operation has gone bad.
Only approach the site when you are sure it is clean.
After the meeting or act is done, “close the loop” at a logical cover destination.
Be aware of surveillance’s time tolerance so they aren’t forced to raise an alert.
If an alert is issued, they must pay a price and so must you.
Let them believe they lost you; act innocent.
There is no limit to a human being’s ability to rationalize the truth.

Many of these rules are just common sense and employed without thought or planning. However, there are a few gems in there worth applying deliberately and consciously as needs dictate.

You don't need to be in a Cold War, or Russia, to start adhering to Moscow Rules.

Happiness is possibly overrated

2012-01-08T08:47:00.000+01:00

I'm sure you could imagine my excitement when I received a small package in the morning's post containing the Leuchtturm 1917 Reported Notepad I had recently ordered.

Well, even though I've not yet had a chance to put it to the test, here are my preliminary thoughts.

Meh.

Excuse me if I seem a bit less than enthused. Let's start with a closer look and comparison with the Moleskine Reporter.

Moleskine (L) vs Leuchtturm (R)

The Leuchtturm is the same width as the Moleskine (9cm) but slightly longer (15cm vs Moleskine's 14cm).

Moleskine (top) vs Leuchtturm (bottom)

I haven't yet put it into a jacket or pants pocket but I doubt that the extra centimetre in length is going to make any noticeable difference in carrying the notebook, unlike another brand I tried that was a little too wide for easy storage or quick retrieval.

Okay, how about inside?

Moleskine (L) vs Leuchtturm (R)

Sadly, this is where my disappointment arises.

Firstly, while the blurb states '94 pages, 188 sides', it doesn't tell you that the back sides are unlined. So, really, that's only 94 pages then.

Secondly, while the paper is supposedly slightly heavier than that used in the Moleskine and 'ink-resistant', the pages seem thinner and the ink from the lines I've ruled has come through the other side slightly. Even if the back sides were lined, I'm not sure it would be particularly useable - at least with my pen of choice (the Uniball from Mitsubishi Pencil Corporation).

However, you'll note how the Moleskine's binding has broken in the above photo. The Leuchtturm seems to open up to a greater degree and hopefully this isn't going to be a problem.

Anyway, I guess most of you are thinking "it's only a notebook, what's the big deal?"

No big deal really. I was just hoping that my search for the perfect notebook might have come to an end. While other reviewers favourably compare the Leuchtturm to the Moleskine, I (perhaps) was expecting too much.

Does this mean I won't use it? Hell no! I look forward to putting it through its paces over the coming months and year. We'll see how it holds up and I'll post a subsequent review sometime down the track.

And I'll probably order one of the Leather Journals for my novel-writing efforts (yes, that project is back on again).

Happiness is... a good notebook

2012-01-01T05:11:00.001+01:00

I have to admit that I'm quite excited. I've found a local (well, at least in the same country) stockist for the Leuchtturm 1917 range of notebooks.

And that makes me happy!

Better yet, the range includes a Reporter Notepad - which I have just ordered. A kind of a 'Welcome to 2012' gift to myself.

As you may remember, Dear Reader, I previously confessed to having a bit of a notebook fetish. If it's in a black cover, I'm impelled to buy it even if I already have a number of unused notebooks lying around. I guess it's a bit like Mel Gibson's character in Conspiracy Theory with his thing for Catcher in the Rye.

However, I'm fairly sure I was never in the MKULTRA project and that I'm not being tracked by my purchases by some shadowy goverment forces.

Sadly.

No, I just like good-quality notebooks. Particularly if they have certain features lacking in others.

Like individually numbered pages.

Again, this is something I've mentioned before, but numbered pages are important when a notebook may be presented for evidentiary purposes. Not that I have yet been called to give evidence in Court (actually I have, a number of times, but every time the Defendant either changed their plea or it was decided that I wasn't needed after all) but it is possible that I could be, and that my contemperaneous notes also be entered. And numbered pages prove, if nothing else, that no pages have been removed.

Other improvements over the Moleskine brand is that the paper is 80gsm rather than 72. Also, the binding appears to be more robust making the notebook more durable overall. The paper is supposedly 'ink resistant' so there should be no bleed-through and reduced feathering.

Hopefully.

Well, I should get it in a week or so (damn public holidays) and will put it to immediate use, replacing the Moleskine Reporter that I am currently using. My biggest gripe with the Moleskine is that with every single Reporter I've used, eventually the cover detaches from the pages and I end up taping it together. With my current Reporter, that happened in about the second week of use.

So, something to look forward to. Starting on a new notebook always seems a bit of a momentous occasion. I'll even put up a review once I've had a chance to break it in.

And, again, please post your own notebook preferences or reviews.

Let 'Sophisticated but not Wanky' be our watchword!

Happy New Year!

2011-12-31T12:27:00.000+01:00

She stood perfectly still under the harsh and unrelenting glare of a single spotlight. In the smoke-filled room, loosely gathered around her, sat a circle of men. All silent now, they watched her with looks of hungry expectation.

While she couldn't see their faces, she felt their eyes on her. And their need.

With a small smile she stepped forward. One slender arm, sheathed in a long silk glove the colour of midnight, reached out and took hold of the microphone in front of her, pulling it close to her lips.

She closed her eyes and began to sing...

That's how tonight should have been.

Maybe next time.

Happy New Year everyone.

This PI's New Year's Resolutions

2011-12-29T03:24:00.000+01:00

Yes, Dear Reader, it's amost the end of yet another year. And, hopefully, the world as we know it - but I'm not holding my breath.

Going by how things went this year, I can only imagine that I will further embrace the cliche that my life has become: Deadbeat PI. At your service.

Perhaps I should make an active effort to be the master of my destiny?

With that in mind, here are a few of my own personal goals for the coming year.

1) Start wearing hats

And not in an 'ironic' way like some douchebag hipster. Seriously, how do you wear a hat, or anything else, ironically?

That's not a rhetorical question. How can you?

No, I mean in a cool "Mulholland Falls" kind of way. The kind of way that says, "I'm going to throw you down this fucking hillside if I don't get some cooperfuckingation."

Yep, that's the kind of hat I want.

2) Get a stripper girlfriend

PIs on the screen and page are forever beset by a damsel in distress. And with that in mind, nothing epitomises the concept of a "lady" in distress more so than a stripper.

A Stripper With a Heart of Gold.

Life will be all that more ~~complicated~~ complete with her. She'll nurse my wounds in her trailer. The wounds I probably got in one of the endless scrapes with her drug dealer, but hey! I did it for love. And I can always use her workplace as my office, conducting business from there and meeting clients.

What's not to understand?

In the end though, she'll leave me for a used-car salesman and this brings me to...

3) Develop an alcohol problem

Every night is a party and I'm invited!

Well, more of a wake.

Of course it's not really an alcohol problem if I'm drinking to forget. Unless I still remember.

4) Hire a Plucky Assistant

She'll be like the little sister I never had. Plucky (obviously), eager, optimistic, brimming with energy and determination.

All the things I'm not.

She'll pick me up every morning when she finds me in a drunken stupor at my desk, or after my latest fight with the Stripper Girlfriend while she's still around - or after, she'll put me up on her couch for a few days while I wallow in abject misery.

She'll be doggedly running all the errands I can't be bothered doing, checking facts at the library, or making calls. She'll stick up for me when detractors mock. She'll be the only person that believes in me.

Naturally, she'll also be hopelessly and forlornly in love with me and who could blame her?

But I'll never notice.

5) Earn an Arch Nemesis

And I mean a real Arch Nemesis, not some jumped up lickspittle with ideas above his station.

The shadowy figure plotting my destruction, the spider at the dark heart of the web of intrigue. The struggle will be legendary and only one of us will come away unscathed.

But who?

So, what are your personal goals for 2012?

Novel Marketing Strategy for 2012

2011-12-27T14:01:00.001+01:00

It's almost another year done and I've been giving next year some thought.

Quite a lot of thought, actually. (This was my thinking for 2011, but I got sidetracked).

In particular, I've been thinking about focussing on particular services towards a single sector: Corporate Investigations.

That's where the money is at. It certainly doesn't seem to be with the usual deadbeat clients I seem to attract, that's for sure.

Now, what's the best way of getting the attention of some of these key decision-makers...?

I'm seriously (well, maybe not *too* seriously) contemplating a radical and direct campaign of intensive surveillance on the Prospective Clients and their families. Then, say after a week or two, send a mysterious package to the Prospective Client containing the choicest snaps: leaving home and kissing wife goodbye in morning, shagging secretary in carpark, kids leaving school... that sort of thing.

Nice 8"x10" glossy Black & White pics. Perhaps red cross-hairs drawn around the family's heads for dramatic effect.

And a card with a note. Something short and to the point and even reassuring:

"We know where you live. We'll be in touch".

I think this is an elegant and simple concept where the Prospective Client immediately can see the value of our services and will be suitably impressed!

Yeah, okay, so it might be prone to misinterpretation and could do with some refining, but the central concept is that perhaps to demonstrate the effectiveness of a service, you need to provide an example that the Prospective Client can understand.

And do this in such a manner that precludes being arrested and charged with Criminal Harassment.

Don't tell me that this, if done correctly, wouldn't be a powerful marketing tool?

Of course, the main obstacle is the cost in both time and resources. Mounting a blanket surveillance operation on more than one party for any length of time is going to be untenable. Be that as it may, there may be some clever work-arounds.

What say you, Dear Reader?

A good idea worth refining, or one destined for the rubbish-heap? Poll open on top right of page for next 6 days. You be the judge.

UPDATE Poll Results 05 Jan 2012

I'm no statistican but here's an endorsement, right there, if I ever saw one...

Brilliant in concept and execution	3(30%)
Awesome but needs refinement	4(40%)
Don't quit your day job.	3(30%)

Adventures in Banjo Country

2011-12-27T03:58:00.001+01:00

I always get the interesting jobs. And by 'interesting', I mean the difficult, tricky, inopportune, or generally just unpleasant ones.

Sometimes, if I'm really lucky, a combination of the above.

So, there I was the other evening, contemplating the free time I had ahead of me when the phone rings. It's one of my regular clients and they have an urgent job for me which needs to be done this evening...

It's not like I have a life, right?

The job sounded simple enough (as they do): drive a ways out of Bad City and serve some documents on Old Lady DeVille* pertaining to the imminent foreclosure on her property. The demand was for $1million and some change, nothing to sneeze at. Time was a crucial factor in this; the Client was closing up shop noon the next day (it's Christmas, you know) and their client was not far off behind them. The job had to be done now.

Seems I'm just the man for it!

It was a pleasant evening for a drive in the country and, for a change, I was headed someplace I've never actually been to before. A first for me. Kind of exciting really.

No, not really.

The drive was boring and uneventful and, eventually, I arrived at the stretch of gravel road where Mrs DeVille resided. Only one problem, the numbers on the (few) letterboxes did not correspond with the address I had been given.

No problem. Being the innovative and lateral-thinking problem solver that I am, I just went and asked someone. I went to the first house at the end of the road and a gentleman came out to meet me when I stepped out of the car.

I was a bit disappointed, he wasn't chewing on a blade of grass or wearing overalls. Nor did he seem to have a banjo, but looks can be deceiving.

Well, he was helpful enough and pointed me to the property bordering his. He also told me that she was a madwoman. Yep, I just felt this job go from 'simple' to 'tricky' just like that. He informed me that I should be careful because she would probably start telling me about the various conspiracies against her.

No problems there, I thought to myself. "They" sent me.

Well, as I made my way onto her property, through the gates, past the ramshackle and run-down outbuildings to her house, I realised there was one thing he hadn't told me about...

The dogs.

As I was later able to establish, there were 19 of them loose on the property.

As soon as I exited the vehicle, I thought this was probably a bad idea. The dogs surged forward, barking loudly. They seemed more intent at attacking my vehicle than getting close to me. A loud yell and they scattered, eyeing me silently before slinking forward to bite my car's tyres again.

So much for the element of surprise!

I called out loudly, hoping that the crazy dog lady would come out but, apart from setting the dogs off again, silence.

The back of the house was a bit of a mess. And smelly.

I thought that surely no-one could live here?

Surely this had to be an abandoned property, right? So I looked through the kitchen window...

Mrs DeVille is also a crazy cat lady!

I walked around the outside of the house, and it didn't get any better. You kind of expect a little dilapidation in the country, but not to this extent of disrepair and decay. Some of the windows were broken or just didn't have glass in the panes.

No-one came out or answered by calls, so I left the property and went back to the helpful neighbour. He directed me to his landlord who, as it turns out, is Mrs DeVille's brother. He only lived a short distance away and it was suggested that he might be of more help to me.

Well, as it turned out, the brother and his wife were of some assistance. They confirmed that Mrs DeVille was quite mad and was unlikely to come out of the house when someone, such as myself, turns up. She would just pretend to not be home. Also, to play 'hard to get' she did not have a landline or mobile phone.

The sister-in-law went so far as to accompany me back to the property to ascertain whether Mrs DeVille was home.

It turned out she wasn't.

Well, I did manage to serve the documents on her and her cousin the very next day but that is another story entirely, and not much of one at that. What I really wanted to point out is the condition that some people choose to live in. Strange that Mrs DeVille lives in such squalour when the land is worth several million dollars.

Then again, she *is* barking mad.

Season's Greetings

2011-12-25T02:22:00.003+01:00

I'd like to wish all my readers a heartfelt 'Merry Christmas' and joyous greetings for the Festive Season.

Yes, I'd like to.

But since my Christmas is turning out to be a non-event thanks to douchebag clients who close up shop for the year without paying their bills, I'm all out of Christmas cheer! I'm out of other things too, hopefully some kind souls will feed me over the coming days.

Bah fucking humbug!

If you're not cop, you're little people.

2011-12-17T11:17:00.000+01:00

Sadly, this belief seems to be deeply ingrained within some of our law enforcement brothers (and sisters). Worse, it is all too evident in some whose position is in a 'customer service' role. They are the first contact a citizen has with the constabulary, when coming forth to make a complaint.

You'd think that perhaps that perhaps the police might give these staff some special training in regards to effectively dealing with the public in a manner that won't alienate or mariginalise them?

No.

I'm quite often down at the central station filling out requests for official information etc, and witnessed this particular exchange a few days ago.

Desk Officer: Next.

Distraught Citizen: Can you please help me? I'm the victim of a crime... [hands documents over to officer]

Desk Officer: [flicking desutorily through papers] This is a civil matter. This is a civil matter. This is a civil matter.

Distraught Citizen: But...

Desk Officer: This isn't a police matter.

Distraught Citizen: But...

Desk Officer: Next!

Distraught Citizen: But...

Desk Officer: NEXT!

Alright, so that may not be the conversation verbatim, but it's pretty much the way it played out. As I was standing there, the Distraught Citizen slumped her shoulders and sulked out of the station, dejected and rejected by the very authority whom she entreated in her moment of woe.

Just how hard could it have been to explain the difference between a civil and criminal matter and just why the police could not be of further assistance? Perhaps even a quick pointer as to where the complainant might be better served making enquiries?

That would be customer service!

No, obviously the best thing to do is to marginalise the very people who depend on you and who you, in turn, turn to for help in investigations and wonder why the public have such a low opinion of you...

Well done.

Of course, this also extends to so-called 'partnerships' between the police and businesses such as initiatives to reduce crime. Information rarely flows both ways. I am confronted with this on an almost daily occurence in my capacity as investigator for a number of insurance companies where, usually, I am looking into dodgy claims that may involve criminal activity such as theft or arson.

Do the police, under the guise of a 'partnership to reduce crime' bend over backwards to assist? Of course not, nor would I really expect them to. I would, however, expect some degree of amicable cooperation or even studied indifference. I wouldn't expect hostility or blatant interference.

It's rather sad. I thought we were on the same team.

Do not adjust your set...

2011-12-09T03:45:00.001+01:00

It appears that I forgot to renew the domain for INSIYHAL and it expired about a week ago.

Oops!

In my defence, I have been a bit busy. You know, investigating and stuff.

Anyway, things are back to normal now and I'll have some more tales of woe to post shortly.

Surveillance Woes - 3rd Party Awareness

2011-11-14T06:13:00.001+01:00

Just recently I had a simple surveillance tasking that went relatively smoothly - apart from being accosted by a Third Party at the very end when about to wrap up the operation.

Now, while this may happen occasionally, it can usually be dealt with by a convenient cover story.

But not this time.

No, this time I was accosted by a jumped-up lickspittle with ideas above his station.

The job was straightforward enough: subject was arriving at airport - ascertain whether he was met by anyone at airport and obtain photographs.

No problem!

So Pedro and I arrived an hour early. The airport has recently undergone some major rennovations so the internal layout was new to me. We had previously determined that the subject would be arriving at Gate 15 at 0850hrs only the flight had been delayed due to weather and the new arrival time was estimated to be 0910hrs.

Next was the task of locating Gate 15. The new aiport design actually had two gate 15s! There was Gate 15 for arrivals and a Gate 15 for departures. When I write it like this, it may appear somewhat obvious but at the airport, on the ground, it was noticeably less so. However, we sorted out any misunderstandings we may have had regarding gates and were in position by 0845hrs.

Our plan was elegant in its simplicity. Pedro and I were in the arrivals lounge. As the subject entered and was visually IDed, I would exit and await outside. Pedro would follow the subject inside the terminal and give me notice as to which exit he was taking so that I could be in position to take the photographs. The new airport layout was such that there were any number of exits available to a traveller depending on their destination: pickup, taxis & shuttles, long-term parking etc.

The subject's flight touched down at the revised time of 0901hrs. Shortly thereafter our subject descended the stairs and, having made a visual confirmation, I headed outside to take up position while Pedro continued with the follow.

Some minutes later, after having retrieved his luggage, the subject exited the terminal and, with advance notice from Pedro, I was able to take a few photographs. The subject was alone and not met by anyone. He made a phone call and some 15 minutes later was picked up by a shuttle to take him to the rental car depot.

Just then, as I was about to RV with Pedro back at the vehicle to head to the rental depot, I was suddenly confronted by an airport traffic warden.

You know, one of those guys who issue parking infringement notices.

He brusquely, and quite rudely, demanded to know what I was doing as there had been some complaints that a gentleman in a long coat and boots (that would be I) was taking photographs in the parking area. Complaints? No-one had asked me what I was doing and I was trying to be as unobtrusive as possible under the circumstances.

I explained that I was a private investigator on a simple surveillance job and showed him my (Ministry of Justice-issued) ID which he sneered at, stating "we've all got ID, doesn't mean anything".

Really? Was yours issued by the MOJ? I don't think so.

I remained polite and informed him that we did, in fact, announce ourselves to the aviation security (which we did) but he was not mollified. Did I get permission from the Airport Company, he rudely interjected?

Well, no, I conceded - but did I really need to?

There was some more supercilious squaking from the parking warden before I pointed out that I was, in fact, finished and on my way out.

Pedro and I finsihed the job - client was pleased with results - and eventually returned to the office where I fumed over the incident with the parking warden.

Okay, so I was rumbled by third party awareness - these things happen. Explaining my actions, ie taking photographs, is a bit tricky by way of cover story so I don't have a problem with disclosing the fact that I am a PI.

I looked through the legislation that covers the airport and there is a clause prohibiting commercial photography without prior consent - unless accredited media and in course of duty - but does taking surveillance photos count as being 'commercial photography'? I'd argue no since the photographs were incidental to the job itself.

Interestingly, there is a clause prohibiting the conduct of business at the airport or to engage in activity at the airport in regards to a business outside the airport without a lease or licence granted by the Aiprort Company. Well, I guess I'm possibly in breach of this - along with who knows how many business types who do deals every day in aiport lounges either face-to-face, or over the phone, or by email.

However, another point of argument is whether or not I was actually in the aiport itself when taking the photographs. I was actually standing on the footpath of a public road. I believe this is not an aiport road as defined under the Act.

Lastly, as a PI, under the legislation that I am regulated by, I am entitled to take photographs of whomever I wish irrespective of whether they are on or in public or private property as long as they are not in a private dwelling.

Anyway, the question remaining is why did I not just call the Aiport management and ask permission in the first place?

Several reasons.

Never let people know in advance you are doing surveillance as they may be curious and interfere.
If I seek permission and they decline to grant it, they will probably be pissed off that I go ahead anyway.

I think the old maxim "It is better to seek forgiveness than ask permission" applies here.

I just know the warden and I are going to clash again in future.

Trash no longer!

2011-11-09T04:19:00.003+01:00

You will be relieved, Dear Reader, to know that I am no longer residing in the caravan (or trailer, as my American friends would say). My Rockford days are over.

Having said that, I am slightly sad for having moved on. It wasn't all quite as bad as I had anticipated.

Now I have moved into the swanky bachelor pad/office shared with Pedro the PI as we are also now working together, along with another investigator.

Things are on the up!

Serious as...?

2011-11-09T02:27:00.001+01:00

This, Dear Reader, is an example of how my inherent cynical nature and scepticism can sometimes count against me.

Even I, on occasion, can be wrong.

Today was one of those days.

I was with my colleague Pedro. We were at the local police station with a Fraud Squad detective in regards to a case we had tendered for prosecution on behalf of our client. We'd received word that our client was on the way, which we were thankful for because we didn't really know if he would actually show up.

Our client had previously been vacillating between his desire to have his former de facto partner prosecuted (then hung, drawn and quartered) for her theft of hundreds of thousands of dollars from his business on the one hand, and wanting to ingratiate himself with her so she'd return to him on the other. Today, we were really there just to hold has hand through the process but we received a call from his daughter-in-law stating that he was complaining of chest pains and they were taking him to the doctor's.

Riiiiiight, I thought. How bloody typical, fake a heart-attack because he didn't want to front up to the police.

Except we then got word that he'd been taken to the hospital by ambulance from the doctor's. Seems like he had the attack over the weekend and was only now showing the signs of it.

Alright, so I may have misread this situation, I can see that. Doesn't make me a bad person...

And then I was wrong AGAIN regarding whether a junkie, whom I had spoken to the previous week, would actually be home at the appointed time to provide a statement.

She was!

She even admitted liability and even completed a payment arrangement to the insurer.

Who was expecting that? Not I, that's for sure.

I guess I should be less distrustful in future but I think this is just one of those days where the improbable actually happens and normal programming will resume tomorrow.

More things that get my goat: Property Investors

2011-11-08T03:22:00.003+01:00

I have to admit, nothing gives me satisfaction quite as much as being part of the process of bringing a person down a peg or two - particularly if said person is a bit of a douchebag.

Like property investors.

Not content with their new-found wealth, they always seem to be hungry for more and eventually take that one risk too many which the market cannot sustain. They are the very epitome of greed. Worse, they have the arrogance but without any actual talent. Kind of like the Kardashians.

And then, like the Right Hand of Karma, someone like me comes knocking at their door with documents of their pending bankruptcy or foreclosures.

Such as this morning for one Sarah Nichols* of Submarine Property Investments*.

Along with the documents, I was supplied with a copy of a full-page advertising feature from some glossy magazine featuring Sarah Nichols seated on a leather divan, a bottle of expensive champagne and flute at her feet. In the article she enthusiastically gushes that she believes the future is in property and it's the best thing for long-term financial security...

Oh dear, Sarah. Did you really think that? Doesn't seem to have worked out so well for you.

Anyway, she loves to travel and can't do without her Louis Vuitton and designer shoes.

I'm thinking you won't be travelling too far these days.

Interestingly, perhaps tellingly, is her comment that one of the safest and powerful ways to build wealth is through property because you don't need any cash to start.

Hmmmm, correct me if I'm wrong Sarah, but perhaps this philosophy might have led to your current predicament? Your bank is concerned that your exceedingly overdrawn account hasn't had any deposits made into it in quite some time, despite your numerous assurances, and that you have fallen quite behind in a number of mortgage repayments.

Hence the foreclosures.

Anyway, this morning I made my attendance to the registered office of Submarine Property Investments to find a gathering of well-dressed people sipping Veueve Clicquot and nibbling at hors d'ouevre. The men were wearing morning dress in blacks or greys, the women in tasteful dresses and elaborate hats.

Wedding? Funeral? No, it's Race Day!

I was immediately accosted by a florid-faced 'gentleman' sailing (at least) three sheets to the wind. What was my business, he enquired? By this stage everyone was staring at the stranger standing at the door who wasn't attired in a suit, as is customary amongst certain types on this very day.

"I'm looking for Sarah Nichols," I stated loud enough for everyone to hear.

The gatekeeper was in the middle of saying "Why, yes, she's right..." when a woman in the middle of the room dropped her champagne flute (it was full, I noted) and hurriedly interjected "She's not here right now".

Really? Because you look a lot like that person in the advert, I thought to myself.

However, I figured that I probably shouldn't embarrass her further in front of her distinguished guests. Well, any more so than I had already done so, in a conciliatory tone, stated "I'll be back later".

The fact that I've probably ruined her day, at the very least, brings a joyful smile to my face. I'll get her again tomorrow.

Meanwhile, she's spending the bank's money keeping up appearances of her affluent lifestyle.

* Not their real names, obviously.

Working undercover

2011-11-05T05:05:00.000+01:00

Right. This time I have another question to pose the investigative community concerning undercover work.

There may be a possibility that I am to assist a colleague who has an out-of-town assignment requiring the placement of an undercover operative posing as a new hire. The client manages a warehousing operation where it is believed a ring of employees is stealing stock to order. The undercover operation is to identify and, if possible, inflitrate the ring to get enough evidence to lead to arrests and successful prosecutions.

All well and good, except this position requires some some specific licences in order to (legally) carry out its duties: ie driving forklifts and other such vehicles.

Can you see the nature of this problem?

In order not to jeapordise the operation, or safety of the undercover operative, I would expect that they go in 'clean'. That is, they are not carrying with them anything that may burn their cover such as ID (in own name), personal cellphone, or any other identifying material.

Makes sense, right?

But what about those pesky drivers' licences? You know, the ones needed to do the job...?

The thought is that I (or whoever may do this job) would just quickly sit the necessary courses and get their licence. Fine! Except it will be in their own name. Not necessarily something you really want known when investigating a lucrative illegal operation though, is it. Repercussions and all that.

So what do you do?

Fake a licence? Which would, of course, be illegal. Falsifying or altering a document and all that...

So what are you supposed to do in cases like this?

A bit of a conundrum.

Full disclosure?

2011-10-31T11:59:00.001+01:00

Here's something a little bit different; a question aimed at other private investigators out there.

When you are in a social setting and someone asks what it is you do, do you tell them you are a PI?

Recently, I have had several people comment to me that they would have thought I would not have disclosed my profession given it's secretive nature.

It's not like I'm some Nazi spy though, is it?

My previous point of view is that I saw social events, not that I get invited to many as I'm often misconstrued as being 'antisocial' or something, as an opportunity to 'network'. I sort of believed that with the more people I met who knew I was a PI, perhaps the more work I might pick up.

It's a numbers game, right?

Except it hasn't really worked out that way at all. I can't really say I recall ever having received a later enquiry from someone I briefly spoke to at a party or the like.

Now I'm starting to think perhaps the naysayers had it right. Maybe I shouldn't be telling anyone I am a PI at all and instead have some cover story in place.

So what do you do? Full disclosure or plausible deniability?

Show me the money

2011-10-29T06:29:00.002+02:00

That's it, Dear Reader, I have finally had enough!

I have previously blogged about my frustrations with dealing with tyrekickers who just waste my increasingly precious time (and not endless patience),

Well, no more!

I have discussed the matter with a colleague who has recommended that I charge prospective clients for initial consultations. The charge is non-refundable and irrespective of whether they engage my services.

Marvellous idea! Yes, it may deter some potential clients, but I figure it will only deter those who aren't committed to their own cases and otherwise are penny-pinching tightwads.

Fuck 'em.

Things That Really Get My Goat - #1 - Unlicenced Investigators

2011-10-10T08:26:00.000+02:00

As anyone that knows me will tell you, I'm normally a placid and carefree individual who holds to a laissez-faire philosophy on life. People who don't know me might insinuate that I'm just lazy and generally can't be arsed. As I said, they don't really know me.

From time to time, Dear Reader, the calm surface of the mill-pond that typifies my serene state is disturbed by bloody great big ripples of rage. Yes, even I get pissed off about things once in a while. I'm only human, after all.

So, what kind of things get my goat?

I'll tell you what...

Unlicenced Investigators!

I guess in any industry that is regulated, it is the unregulated and undocumented parasites who do the most harm. After all, they can damage with impunity and are generally free from the constrictions that tend to bind their more honest colleagues.

That would be the likes of me.

In the past I have been aware of a number of so-called 'professional' investigators who plied their trade without bona fides and even flourished with substantial contracts because their clients believed the bullshit that was being fed to them.

And that made me even angrier.

Why so angry? Because I paid my fees, because I did not misrepresent myself, because I believed that being honest and honourable would bring me the clients and the contracts.

What did I learn?

You can't eat honour.

Actually, that's another story. What I learned is the usual "it's not what you know but who you know" routine and that anyone will believe the most outrageous bullshit if told it by someone wearing a fancy suit.

Well, those days are over. There is a new piece of legislation that binds us and the penalties for non-licenced investigators is now substantial. I will be keeping a very close eye on those who are working without and will have no compunction in reporting them to the authorities for prosecution.

Unlicenced investigators just bring disrepute to the rest of us.

Why bother?

2011-10-03T00:03:00.000+02:00

I have to admit, Dear Reader, that I have been a little remiss with updates recently. I can't really say that I've been all that busy, hence my silence.

Sadly.

The truth is that circumstances are becoming a little dire - very few new clients and several current recurring clients are closing down their respective operations so no more future work from them.

Not very happy days at all.

And then there are those 'clients' like Velma.

I'll have to apologise as, while morosely pondering the sad state of affairs my life had become, I described Velma as 'a monkey wearing lipstick and a dress' to a friend recently.

Not very gallant of me but I'd just had a call from Velma where I tried to let her down gently and, if you remember, without actually charging her any money, that there was no merit in pursuing her case. I had seen the advert she was referring to (the Ab Circle Pro) and the woman running into the ocean surf towards the end was NOT her, 30-odd years ago, filmed without her knowledge or permission.

Was that good enough for her?

No.

She was, in fact, quite disappointed and still could not believe that the person in the advert was not her.

Also, she believed there were a number of other images of her that she had seen in various Women's magazines back in the 1980s. Could I possible find them?

Given that there are a number of such magazines, most published weekly, and the 1980s being a fairly broad time period, I stated that this would not be a good use of my time and that she could do most of this herself at a public library.

Naturally, I sidestepped the issue that the odds of any such photographs actually being her were statistically insignificant given that she is a deluded individual with a life of no interest to anyone who buys glossy gossip magazines.

No doubt this saga will continue but hopefully without me.

I told me so...

2011-09-06T05:58:00.001+02:00

I generally prefer meeting clients at either their place or, when that's not appropriate, at a cafe where there are discreet corner tables or booths so as to discuss their case without being overheard.

While I have recently organised a new office, shared with another PI, I don't want to give out this address to just any prospective client without knowing a bit more about them as I will soon be living here as well.

I certainly do not want too many people knowing where I live, for the obvious reasons, so will probably continue to meet clients in cafes and the like.

And so, today, I met Velma by arrangement at a quaint cafe by the seaside. By quaint I, of course, mean tired and run down which, I guess, really is just typical of this part of town. Time stood still here sometime in the mid-70s. My tea certainly tasted as if it were freshly brewed then. I didn't finish it.

The meeting went, sadly, *exactly* as I anticipated. I say 'sadly' because even though I know how these things turn out beforehand, I still optimistically hope for a different outcome.

Unsurprisingly, this was a complete waste of time.

Velma is, to put it bluntly, 'not quite all there' and believes that photographs of her secretly taken some 34 years ago have been published in various womens' magazines and also featured in a late-night infomercial for some exercise equipment promoted by scary women with improbable breasts and too-white smiles (contrasting all the more with their too-orange tans).

She remembers signing some documents when she was hospitalised for a nervous breakdown and wonders if this may have had something to do with it...

She's hoping that there's some money in it for her.

I know there's certainly nothing in it for me.

I let her down gently and told her that it was extremely unlikely that this is the case and that it would be a waste of her money to hire me to look into it, but, at no charge (note to self: stop doing this!) I'd look at the infomercial and see if there's anything there.

There won't be.

Velma said that the photo is only onscreen for a second or so and is of her facing away from the camera. So there's not even a shot of the face to try and confirm identity.

I guess I kind of feel sorry for Velma.

The threat is in the mail

2011-09-02T07:44:00.003+02:00

Well, Dear Reader, I've just received my very first threat of litigation.

Earlier this year, I commented on an online forum where another agency had posted a job offer. They, however, stipulated that to qualify for the position, the applicant would have to undertake a 3-day in-house training course at the cost of over $3000.00.

I questioned whether such an offer might not be seen as unethical. After all, if an employer wants their employees to work to a particular methodology, then they should be training their employees at their own expense. Also, how long would it reasonably take to recoup such an outlay?

Here is his response:

****,

It has justbeen bought to my attention that you posted a reply to an offer of work from *****, on the **** forums in March this year.

It seemsyou have come very close to defaming me, and I will be asking my solicitors tolook carefully at your comments. If you are not the owner of ****Investigations, it might be wise to consider that the companies name appearedon the post. You had no basis upon which to make those comments, you do notknow anything about *****, or me

FYI, yes,people who want to increase their skills at locates, adoption searches,property owner searches or whatever, pay $3,300, for that they are taught everythingthey weren’t taught at ****, so they learn a lot. I pay my lowest earninginvestigator $50 an hour, and our highest earning investigator is paid $100hour, people who complete the training are offered files at $40 an hour

Each personwho comes to me for training spends a day or more learning pretexting, they cancharge $150 an hour for this difficult skill. They are taught advanced searchon Google and other search engines, using advanced operators and other advancedqueries that will find for example, every reference to someone or something onGoogle and including cached, probably 1000% more than a straight query wouldproduce, they learn how to access databases, documents that are meant to beprivate, confidential. One fellow who is a money finder, is now accessing thefresh data added to the **** lost money database every day, quite legally, withan advanced search string, and earning several thousand a week. They are showna different slant on how to investigate, to think outside the square

I am nottraining PI’s only, also money finders, merchantile and commercial agents,credit department staff, so should I charge these people, but not PI’s? Itseems you might be a foot in the mouth, act before thinking type, every PI Ihave trained has been given sufficient work to cover the cost of the training.As I do not offer permanent work to everyone I train, why do you think that Ishould bear the cost of training? It costs me in lost revenue, around the sameamount that I charge for the training, as my time is normally charged out at$100 an hour.

*******
**********

I'm guessing he just doesn't get it.

I'm reminded of those 'job offers' you occasionally see where talent agencies etc advertise they are seeking new aspiring models but then want to charge the applicants $500.00 for their required portfolios.

If you have to pay out of your own pocket, it's not an offer of employment!

I have no problem with companies advertising their training services, as long as they are up front about what it is (and isn't).

Maybe this business model works for them. However, it is not something I would want to be involved with and I do indeed view it as unethical on the part of the company involved.

A joke's a joke...

2011-08-30T12:19:00.000+02:00

But, seriously, why does it have to happen to me?

I receive a call this morning from a woman who wanted to make an appointment for next week to speak with a Private Investigator.

"Righto", I said. Would she like me to meet her at her place or somewhere else that is convenient?

"No", she replied. She wanted to meet at my offices.

Luckily, I have a new office (of sorts), so I gave her the address and then it all went horribly wrong...

"Is it on the bus-route?", she asked.

Maybe she has a reasonably good excuse for taking the bus. Her chauffeur takes Tuesday's off, or she's going incognito to throw off Nazi spies...

No?

No. Chances are it's because he's not allowed to drive and that public transport is the last refuge of the clinically mad. And poor.

Hoping, against the odds, that perhaps there might still be a valid case here, I tentatively asked her what she would like to discuss next week...?

Velma (not her real name) believes that photographs taken of her some 30 years ago have been used without her permission in recent magazine and television adverts for a variety of products. Velma would like to pursue the possibility of recouping monies as she'd never received a cent for her role.

Why magazines or TV adverts would use photographs from 30 years ago to promote a product in 2011 is a bit beyond me, but Velma strongly believes that unauthorised pictures of her have been unfairly used without recompense. Does she have any proof, ie originals or specific adverts that have used her image?

No. She had a poster but threw it away.

Riiiight.

So it's going to be like that, is it?

An offer I can't refuse...?

2011-08-24T15:28:00.001+02:00

I've recently had an enquiry that starts out innocently enough: locate the current whereabouts of a woman who is believed to have entered the country with her child, in contravention of a Court Order from her country of origin in favour of her ex-husband's custody of the child.

I say "starts out innocently enough" because I was contacted by a Russian Tractor Factory on behalf of the father as he is a major client of theirs.

Call me uncharitable, but while this Tractor Factory is most likely entirely legitimate and above-board, the very first thing that comes to mind is the Rossiyskaya Mafiya (Рoссийская мафия).

Harsh!

Now, this serves as a perfect example for one of the areas which has recently come under some scrutiny over here: ethics and end-use of information.

You see, in the past there have been some instances where local investigators had been hired, under false pretences, to locate certain individuals who then later died. Gruesomely.

It seems that the Powers-That-Be believe that investigators are ethically bound to determine a number of things prior to undertaking an investigation:

Identity of the Client
Purpose for which any information gained will be used

Of course, this presumes that a Client ever tells us everything, which is seldom the case.

Now some investigators have a clause whereby they will not divulge the whereabouts of a traced person unless that person, when located, agrees. However, if that person is a debtor or has run afoul of some law, they are unlikely to consent, are they?

So how do you other investigators tackle this issue? Is it even a concern or do you just take the money and shrug your shoulders?

And if my Client turns out to be the Russian Mafia, how much should I charge them for the info?

Did you hear the one about the lawyer...?

2011-08-18T22:41:00.001+02:00

So, a lawyer drives into the back of my car.

True story!

*sigh*

Deemed a 'no fault' accident as we were both reversing. Even though I saw him and stopped while he continued.

Oh well, at least insurance covers it.

Like sands through the hourglass...

2011-08-18T13:38:00.001+02:00

Guess who called today requesting we meet next week to discuss her case?

Gladys!

I wonder if the sound of me repeatedly smacking my head against the brick wall was discernable from her end of the line?

Rather charitably (but that's just the kind of guy I am), I suggested that she call me next week - the day before the proposed meeting - to confirm her attendance.

Poll is now open. Will Gladys keep the appointment or will she cancel at last minute? Again.

Pants on Fire #2

2011-08-16T09:21:00.005+02:00

Some people are really so stupid, they make dirt look smart.

I had a repo job that the client'd been hounding me to get done for ages. Deadbeat debtor had been moving from one town to the next, and every time they find her current whereabouts, she'd always had a bunch of excuses. Now the'd found a new address for her.

You know how much I hate doing repos. This pretty much sums up why.

So I turn up to the residential address in the early evening. It's been a long day where I'd had attended a number of out-of-town jobs that had otherwise been lying around waiting for my attention. I'd almost repossessed the wrong $100,000 tractor, but that's another story.

Straight away the debtor comes out of the house. I explain why I am there and already the excuses tumble from her lips.

"The goods are in storage in another city", she helpfully explains.

"Where?"

"I don't know, they're with my father who is looking after them." (She'd earlier told the creditor that the goods were with her father in a totally different city).

"So you are telling me that none of the goods in this warrant are inside the house?"

"No. This is my Aunt's house."

Then the Debtor launched into a long spiel regarding her recent surgery for cancer and that while she knew that she'd fallen behind in payments she would like to get back on track. She'd applied for a number of jobs and had an appointment the following day which she felt confident of getting...

Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies.

Looking through the window I spy a TV looking exactly like one mentioned in the Warrant. Then out steps a weasel-faced gentleman of short stature who is apparantly the boyfriend. Clearly he wants to take charge of the situation and, in his weaselly voice, tells us that that TV is his and we can fuck off.

I inform them that as I have right of entry under the relevant Act, I will enter the property to ensure that the items stated in the Warrant are not there. If they do not allow me entry, it is obstruction, and may be punishable by a fine of up to $10,000, and I will just call the police to attend and enter the premises anyway.

The Debtor says that her Aunt wouldn't want me just coming in and so could I come back the following day? No, I say. But I reasonably point out that if the items are in storage, she has no reason to be concerned.

Weasel tells me to call the fucking police.

Which I do.

I wait out on the street until three cars turn up. It's obviously a slow night in this rural town. My partner, Pedro, recognises several of his former colleagues and they have a chinwag about old times as I return to the house with two officers.

Weasel was not very happy at all and, if looks could kill, I'd probably be very much still alive because no-one could take murderous glances from a man the size of a 12-yo boy seriously.

Well, once inside the house I check the backs of the various applianced in the warrant. How strange - it appeared that all the stickers with serials or barcodes had been scratched out so as to be unreadable. Brilliant move there chaps!

Except that our intrepid heroes forgot that electronic devices also have manufacturer serials.

So, no, words to the contrary, that TV was not actually Weasel's after all. But there was one very major problem... the warrant had a typo regarding the manufacturer's serial (XXX661 instead of XXX61). Obviously it was the right item, but somewhat dodgy grounds for effecting the repo with incorrect paperwork. Particularly with the police in attendance.

Rather than let the debtor and Weasel know this, I grandly informed them that while I had identified the TV, home theatre, fridge/freezer, and washing machine as items on the Warrant - I would give the Debtor another day to try and make a last minute deal with the Creditor or make some other arrangements regarding the food in the freezer.

In actual fact I'd attended without closely reading the Warrant in advance and noting that I'd need a trailer to move everything. There was no hire place in this town that was open in the evening, so I would have to return.

Before leaving, I note the couches in the lounge. The Debtor is quick to tell me that they are not the couches in the Warrant.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

"Absolutely" she assures me.

I lift up couch and there is a sticker with the Creditor's serial. It matches one on the Warrant. The other couch has no sticker and while it is oviously the other (same brand), I decide that I cannot take it.

Now, you are probably thinking that I was foolish to leave all this property in the residence for another day as it will probably all be gone by the next morning.

Yes, I was thinking that too. However, with a wink to me, the police officer suggested that the Debtor officially relinquish the goods into my possession pending future arrangements. If I returned to the property and the goods were not here, the Debtor may have some criminal charges of theft to account for.

So I had the debtor scrawl a note giving me possession of the various items, including the TV which Weasel had been so insistent was his.

This ploy worked out well because the Debtor could not come to an acceptable arrangement and I returned the following day with a truck and the goods were still there. Thankfully.

Monday WTF Files #1: Lies, Damned Lies, & Statistics

2011-08-01T04:45:00.001+02:00

So there I was, just looking through Google Analytics to see what brings visitors to my blog, when I see that I had two (2) visitors this month who came to my site when searching for:

...wait for it...

14 year old blonde

Seriously, how do you get from there to here?

Odd. And a little creepy.

PI Mailbag - Answering Your Questions (or your money back)*

2011-07-30T11:15:00.002+02:00

I recently received a query from a reader that I felt was worth sharing with everyone, since it's a topic that deserves some thought and even input from other readers.

That would be you.

Dear Anonymous PI,

You are pretty awesome and talented and obviously know a lot. I think it is sad that you are clearly undervalued by society.

I would really appreciate it if you would kindly share what other books you would recommend on both investigations and surveillance?

In return, I will name my first-born after you.

Regards, etc...

Well, firstly allow me to thank the writer. You are too kind, sir. No need to be naming your first-born after me. Your second- or third-born will suffice.

My reasoned response was as follows:

Surveillance:

"Surveillance Tradecraft: the Professional's Guide to Covert Surveillance Training" by Peter Jenkins (For reasons I have stated earlier, this is pretty much the surveillance 'Bible')
"Secrets Of Surveillance: A Professional's Guide To Tailing Subjects By Vehicle, Foot, Airplane, And Public Transportation" by ACM IV Security Services
"Surveillance Countermeasures: A Serious Guide To Detecting, Evading, And Eluding Threats To Personal Privacy" by ACM IV Security Services

Investigations:

Well, now it gets a bit tricky since it is such a broad area, with different legal strictures in place depending on where in the world you are based, not to mention wildly differing capabilities to access various databases or public information. I personally find most US-written books to be not all that helpful on many subjects since I am not in that part of the world.

However, I do recommend, for various reasons -

"Taking Statements" by Stewart Calligan
"What Every Body Is Saying" by Joe Navarro
"Process of Investigation: Concepts and Strategies for Investigators in the Private Sector" by Charles A. Sennewald and John Tsukayama.

The last is more geared towards an investigator working in a corporate environment but there is some worthwhile info in there for the average gumshoe as well, I think.

There are a bunch of ebooks by Michael Hessenthaler available at low cost here that I have heard good things about but not actually gotten around to getting myself yet. These are aimed at mainly an Australian market although may be just as relevant elsewhere.

Because of recent 'issues' I no longer own any books so will have to start my library again from scratch.

Anyway, for any other investigators out there, please feel free to add coments on any other books you may have purchased, or even on the books mentioned above. Or you may wish to email me directly instead.

On a slightly tangential note, on a (non-investigative) blog I sometimes read, I saw a declaration by the author detailing what various companies and agencies provided him with, gratis. Mobile phones, software, hardware, corporate boxes to sporting events, meals etc. (Quite frankly, he's a bit of a windbag, I used to argue with him on politics many years ago on USENET.)

The most I've gotten here is, well, nothing.

So, feel free to shower me with gifts such as books or gadgets to review, helicopter rides, a week in a Maui resort or the like. Seriously.

*Money back offer does not apply. Badly-written IOU may be tendered as replacement.

Interesting but a little depressing

2011-07-29T17:19:00.000+02:00

I've just had a look at some statistics and have learned that my totally anonymous blog gets around 3.5 times the traffic that my not anonymous at all business website does.

The one where I try to actually, like, get clients and (eventually) money from...

Colour me bemused.

Don't worry, I'm not about to go out and cut myself over it. Or someone else.

Oh I am so going to that Special Hell

2011-07-28T14:04:00.001+02:00

Perhaps I'm just getting too jaded and too cynical.

So there I was, braving the crowds at a local shopping mall, taking a look at the closing down 3-for-2 sale at Borders, when I noticed a reduced to sell copy of the book 'Madeleine' by Kate McCann.

But, seriously, what I actually saw was this...

If you don't get the reference, well, never mind.

A sneak peek into the high-risk, action-packed world of...

2011-07-27T05:57:00.005+02:00

...Fraud Investigations? Seriously?

Well, it's reality TV so it must be true.

Please! It's even worse than Vinnie Parco's Parco PI show, which was fairly atrocious.

Wow. That looked real.

Now, not to tarnish Linda (aka 'The Fraud Dog') Webb's reputation - or professional judgement - but who was responsible for A) coming up with the idea; and, B) still going ahead with it after seeing the results, above?

With the admittedly limited experience I have had with fraud investigations, I would say that the greatest risk lies in getting paper-cuts from sifting through reams of documentation, eye strain from staring at computer screens for hours upon hours, or being driven to commit suicide because it's so fucking boring! In fact I was just recently involved in a complex fraud enquiry where one of my colleagues spent several hundred hours reconciling bank accounts.

Can you feel the adrenaline? No?

Neither could he.

My favourite part of the trailer is the Confidential Informant's "This can't go any further than this or I can wind up dead" speech - in front of a camera that is taping a TV show, presumably for national release...

What could possibly go wrong?

Maybe I'm just pissed that I don't have a TV show*. It's all just sour grapes...

Lastly, thanks to Hal over at [Find] Investigations who alerted me to this travesty via his Twitter feed. You should follow him, he knows stuff.

* If there are any TV producers out there reading this that are thinking of filming a Reality TV Series following around a deadbeat PI of dubious moral character and questionable ethics, email me. Will work for food.

Happiness is.....?

2011-07-26T14:25:00.001+02:00

An open door. Or at least a lock that will open.

Recently it was my birthday. You didn't have to get me anything, which is just as well as you didn't.

That's okay, I bought myself a few tools instead - mainly to replace ones I had lost recently. And one of my first purchases was the Peterson 'Government Elite' lockpick set.

As I have mentioned previously, there are some very limited circumstances where I have the legal right to enter a premises - whether or not the occupants are there. Rather than calling out a locksmith, or beaking a window, I generally resort to picking a lock.

Or at least trying to.

Lockpicking is one of those arts that is simple in theory but can be anything but in practice. Until earlier this year, I had an entry-level (bad pun not intended) SouthOrd set that I had some success with, even if I do say so myself.

Until someone stole it, but that's another story.

So when it was time to get a replacement set, I felt I ought to step up to the next level - or perhaps miss a few levels entirely - and spend considerably more. Which, as it turned out, is exactly what I did.

Not just on the 'Government Elite' set (which was expensive enough) but also the SouthOrd E500XT electric pick gun.

The madness behind my method, or vice versa, is that while manually picking a lock with a mighty fine set of pics is aesthetically pleasing, sometimes speed is of the essence. Research led me to believe that an electric pick gun is just the ticket to the reliably consistent, and quick, opening of locks.

Bollocks!

Well, actually, that's not quite the case. Like everything else in life, things take time and practice. When I've got some free time, and the inclination, I'll putter around with several different locks I bought for this purpose.

I had to buy practice locks because Manson thinks I damaged his front door deadlock the last time I 'let myself in' and refuses to allow me to practice on it again. Hardly fair!

Today was a good day - I've finally cracked the simpler 5-pin cylinder lock (standard on most front doors) both with the manual picks and the electric gun! Not only once, but now can open this lock in about 5-10 seconds with either method, repeatedly.

That brings me no small amount of joy but it's no time to rest on my laurels. The 5-pin cylinder lock is fairly basic as far as locks go and just because I can pick this particular one quickly doesn't mean that another one won't prove a problem.

But, for now, I have a Lockwood 6-pin padlock to crack.

Reaction time is a factor in this so please pay attention

2011-07-16T17:17:00.001+02:00

"Describe, in simple words, only the good things that come into your mind. About your mother."

If being a PI has taught me nothing else, it's this Single Truth of Human Nature: people lie. And, being a PI, people lie to me.

A lot.

They do it for all sorts of reasons, some nefarious, others not. Sometimes people lie because they think it's what a friend should do.

Remember Crystal?

Well, she didn't change her mind and decide to talk to me after all. No. But a friend of hers, Dan (not his real name), volunteered to provide a statement as he was the first person she saw after her accident.

I really only had a few questions I really wanted to ask Dan, but padded out the interview with some minor details. As he was a friend of the POI (Person of Interest), I was mindful that he was not exactly about to incriminate her in any wrongdoing.

I got the patter going, adopting my usual mostly-informal interviewing style. I ran through the questions of where and when and he answered all in an easy and relaxed manner.

Until I asked: "In your opinion, was Crystal intoxicated?"

Unbeknownst to him, I'd already established that Crystal had a history of driving whilst intoxicated (and had one charge to that effect), had crashed - and written off - at least 2 other vehicles in the past few years, had been seen drinking the night before the accident, and had been thrown out of the bar for being too drunk.

Dan's reaction to the question was the best part.

He closed his eyes heavily for a moment then looked away to the right before meeting my gaze and saying 'No'.

A classic tell, or non-verbal cue.

Not only the pronounced pause before answering the question, but also that he looked away; atypical to his behaviour while answering the other questions.

Dan was lying.

Do I know that for a fact? Despite what crappy TV programmes like Lie To Me or The Mentalist may try to portray, no, I just have a firm belief based on balance of probabilities.

Does that mean there's nothing to non-verbal cues or body language etc?

No.

Understanding basic principals of nonverbal communication is fundamental to an investigator who deals with people and there are several good books available on the subject. My favourite two would be Joe Navarro's What Every Body Is Saying and Allan Pease's The Definitive Book of Body Language. Navarro is an ex-FBI counterintelligence agent and his book primarily deals with detecting deception. The Pease book is more of a basic guide to body language, not focused specifically on lying but a general grounder.

And at the other end of the spectrum, you have crap like this from a 'Relationship Coach' who sagely advises that you can tell, 'spot-on', he's a married man cheating on his wife if he never runs out of cash.

Riiiiight.

Well, it's going to be another few years before we'll be able to carry out Voight-Kampff tests but I look forward to the day.

"My mother? Let me tell you about my mother"

#ethicalpi?

2011-07-16T12:49:00.001+02:00

If you have been following the current News of the World saga, you may have heard about Jonathon Rees, PI extraordinaire.

If you haven't, and even if you have, you really should read this article on Rees published in the Guardian.

I stand amazed at his impressive accomplishments -

Paid more than £150,000 a year by NOTW

Ran a private intelligence-gathering network of informants including serving officers in the Police and Customs & Excise, government employees, bank officials etc

Had a team of 'blaggers' who could pretext information out of targets

Access to various databases held by Police, DVLA, banks, phone companies

Acquitted of the axe murder of his former partner

Rees' downfall came about when he was overheard (by covert listening device, no less) hatching up a plan to plant drugs in the car of a Client's ex-wife in order to get her charged with drug offences, so that she would be unlikely to get custody of the Client's children as being an unreliable parent.

Now that's a plan! Simple, effective, even elegant. Okay, so it might be somewhat illegal but, as they say, you can't make an omlette without planting some cocaine.

I am reminded of a quote from Niccolo Machiavelli's 'The Prince':

And you have to understand this, that a prince, especially a new one, cannot observe all those things for which men are esteemed. In order to maintain the state, he is often forced to act contrary to fidelity, friendship, humanity, and religion. Therefore it is necessary for him to have a mind ready to turn itself according to the way the winds and changes of chance force it. Yet, as I have said above, he should not diverge from the good if he can avoid it; but, if compelled to, then he should know how to set about it.

While Rees is no Prince of an Italian City-State during the Renaissance, he certainly did know how to 'diverge from the good'.

Now, the question arises, does this make him unethical?

My argument is 'not necessarily'. Ethics are not an arbitrary, objective, construct but entirely subjective to the individual's own code of moral beliefs. Notions of legality are entirely immaterial; if I don't believe something is wrong, then pursuing that course of action is not unethical for me, no matter whether it is against the law, or not.

It may, however, be entirely unethical for you to do the same as your own sense of morality may differ from mine.

It is of some amusement to me that at the moment there is an impetus for PIs to announce their ethical nature on Twitter with the #ethicalpi hashtag as Jonathon Rees may very well have been a man who prided himself on his integrity and ethics, even as he bribed officials or plotted to plant evidence. A case of the ends justifying the means, even if they didn't.

I guess we'll probably never know.

Why me?

2011-07-07T04:53:00.003+02:00

Tyre kickers.

For those of you unfamiliar with this term, it is in reference to someone who, with no real intention of procuring your goods or services, will waste a great deal of your time and energy sounding you out in order to obtain as much free advice as possible.

You may recall, I actually started this blog over a year ago after receiving this sort of run-around from The Crack Whore - Part 1 (Part 2 and Part 3).

As with Gladys (not her real name), pictured. Well, seeing that I've not actually met her in person, this is a close approximation of her appearance cleverly deduced from our recent phone conversations.

I first received a call from Gladys a couple of weeks ago where she explained that she wanted to "get the dirt on" her former husband who had recently been threatening to kill her. She then explained that he'd raped her on a number of prior occasions and also raped his stepdaughter from a prior relationship when she was 9 or so (now an adult). She had a log of his threatening calls to her and wanted to take action.

Fairly serious allegations but I couldn't help wondering why, with all these details and supposedly a sworn Affidavit from the step-daughter, Gladys needed more 'dirt' on him? Surely she should, along with the stepdaughter, be off making a complaint even if the events were historic?

However, knowing that there is often more to a prospective client's story than first meets the eye, I suggested a face-to-face meeting with Gladys in order to discuss the matter in greater detail and, ultimately, to determine if there was anything for me to actually do - or whether Gladys would be better suited dealing with another agency such as the Police?

Gladys seemed keen enough. I suspect that I was not the first person she'd called, but might have been the first to at least give her the time of day. We made an arrangement to meet in several days time at a particular cafe that was convenient for her.

Gladys said I'd have to buy her a coffee as she didn't have any money.

Well, obviously there were some alarm bells ringing at that point but I have no problem with a no-obligation meeting with a prospective client. Maybe Gladys was merely being coy about her financial situation as a ploy to keep the costs down.

On the day of the scheduled meeting, Gladys calls saying that she couldn't make it and asked to reschedule.

Sure, I said. We rescheduled for a few days later. These things happen.

A few days later Gladys called once again asking to shift the date and location. That's fine, no problems.

And today, some 15 minutes before the meeting and while already at the location, I decided to give Gladys a quick call to ensure that everything was good.

Well, no, Gladys couldn't make it and would I terribly mind if we rescheduled to the same day next week thank you very much?

No Gladys, why would I mind changing my schedule around at your whim, again, when you don't have the courtesy to even tell me you are not going to attend a meeting that I had to go to some lengths out of my way to attend?

I mean, it's not like you're asking for my help and most likely expecting me to do most of the work at little to no cost to yourself, right?

Actually, isn't that exactly what you are doing?

I've taken Gladys out of my calendar and won't bother calling her again but am left wondering how best to avoid this type of timewaster again in the future? Is it even possible? Obviously not only Private Investigators of good standing, such as myself, are open to this horrendous abuse of our generous natures, but it is rife in other industries. Here is an interesting piece on the phenomenon from the perspective of a design agency.

I'm glad I'm not alone.

But it's a cold sort of comfort.

Refusal may offend

2011-07-06T04:14:00.000+02:00

I love language, with all its nuances, subtleties, and hidden meanings. And I love how some people will do their damnedest not to call a spade a spade, even to the last.

Let's take Crystal (most assuredly not her real name), who is currently the subject of an investigation regarding some irregularities around an insurance claim.

Now, the paragon of discretion that I am, I'm not going to go into the details of her case - but let's just say that I was contracted to make some enquiries regarding the claim and speak with Crystal in order to obtain from her a statement.

Pretty routine stuff.

Now, pretty much the moment after I contact Crystal with the intent to make an appointment that is mutually convenient, I am informed that Crystal contacted the insurer to withdraw her claim.

Well, that's odd. Particularly since the claim is for a not-inconsequential amount.

The insurer, however, instructs me to continue with the investigation as there are still some concerns that need to be addressed, chiefly whether Crystal's original claim may have in fact been fraudulent.

That being the case, I informed Crystal that I was still tasked with obtaining a statement from her irrespective of her withdrawal of the claim and would appreciate her co-operation. Crystal does not respond to calls, messages, or emails. That's fine, I have other enquiries to make regarding the incident so proceed with those. While in the neighbourhood, I stop in to see Crystal who now tells me that she is not prepared to speak to me without first consulting her solicitor.

Fair enough, I say.

I ask that she let me know ASAP and we'll move on from there. Of course she doesn't and then again will not answer the phone or respond to messages. Finally, after sending another email, I get a terse reply stating that she's withdrawn the claim.

I knew that already!

My reply stated that I would pass on her refusal to provide a statement to her insurer.

Well, that got a reaction! Next morning I have an email from her solicitor stating that Crystal has not 'refused' to provide a statement, just sees no need to provide one since she's withdrawn her claim and asks that I correct the record with the insurer to that effect.

My response?

I thanked the solicitor for clarifying that Crystal has not actually refused to provide a statement, even though she has not co-operated in any way with the requests of her insurer and, arguably, has instead gone to some lengths to avoid refusal by not returning calls or responding to messages.

Refusal in action if not in words.

I await the outcome but wonder if my impertinent reply may yet get me in hot water (although it's not like I said anything untrue...)

Local investigator killed in mysterious crash

2011-06-30T09:56:00.000+02:00

Authorities are puzzled by the lack of clues in the fatal motor vehicle accident that claimed the life of local investigator, Eddie Chekhov*. Mr Chekhov's vehicle was found engulfed in flames on the side of the road early yesterday evening.

Although early in the investigation, it has been revealed that there were no likely explanations for the accident. No other vehicles had been seen on the road prior to discovery of Mr Chekhov's SUV, nor was there any indication of a collision.

Mr Chekhov was identified through dental remains.

Police appeal for any witnesses to come forward.

* Not his real name

Yeah, as if that was going to happen!

Mrs Milfoy has nothing to worry about, at least as far as devices hidden in her clock/radio. Of course there was nothing inside.

Poll results indicate that 80% of respondents probably could do with their own tinfoil helmets.

Off to the Land of Milk and Honey...

2011-06-24T09:46:00.003+02:00

Now I'm not a piper, pied or otherwise, but I think it's a good idea for you to follow me.

Not literally as that would just be creepy. Nothing like if I followed you. (I have a licence, do you?)

I mean through either Twitter or Facebook.

What's in it for you? Cool stuff and fun prizes*.

And don't come running to me if your children start disappearing...

*Cool stuff and fun prizes void where prohibited. Stuff may actually not be cool, prizes may not even be fun. Or even existent. Kind of like God.

The importance of a support network

2011-06-23T01:41:00.000+02:00

You may recall, Dear Reader, an earlier post where I decried my friends as not living up to the ideal as set by Rick, TC, or even Higgins.

Since then I've mentioned Saul Danson, Boy Valentine, Manson and a few others and you are probably wondering who they are and how they fit into my adrenaline-packed world of nonstop adventure?

With that in mind, I intend to devote a special section to these very special people over the next few weeks so that you too may get to know them better.

I'm sure they'll be pleased with this honour.

PI-noir fashion

2011-06-22T14:56:00.000+02:00

Fellow investigator Thomas H. Humphries (that *is* his real name) of [FIND] Investigations is a man of the cloth. A sartorial aficionado, not that other sort...

As such, he regularly posts on the topic of the 'sartorial sleuth' on his blog and a recent discussion on bow ties got me thinking.

What should the dapper PI about town be wearing?

Now I'm no fashionista and my own personal style might be politely termed 'rundown chic' (think of Peter Falk's Columbo if he'd been sleeping in his clothes a few days) but maybe I should start making an effort. After all, clothes maketh the man.

I'm still not going to wear a bow tie though.

So should I be swapping trenchcoat for some other form of attire or should I embrace the cliche and start wearing fedoras?

Actually, on a semi-related note, I took a colleague on a ride-along the other evening where we attended a couple of jobs that had the potential to get nasty. Luckily they didn't but afterwards, while driving back home he suggested that, from an occupational safety viewpoint, we really should be wearing body armour to some of these jobs.

Seriously.

So I've done some internet research and have decided to contact the folks at TurtleSkin regarding their Concealable Corrections Vest which provide protection against spike and edged weapon threats.

Not exactly the cutting edge of fashion but serves a purpose.

It's not paranoia if someone is out to get you

2011-06-22T07:39:00.000+02:00

After a noticeable absence, I get hit by not one but two members of the Tinfoil Helmet Brigade at once. Perhaps, not by coincidence either, the recent full moon had a part to play?

First there was Mrs Dumont* who is the victim of a conspiracy that incorporates her brother and a number of individuals in positions of authority.

And then there is Mrs Milfoy* who is being targeted by Mossad or the FSB or someone with the resources to follow her around the country over the past 8 years.

Riiiiight.

Mrs Dumont first contacted me some 6 months or more ago with a query regarding investigating a lawyer and accountant who are the trustees of a family trust of which she (along with her brother) is a beneficiary. She believed there was some connivance by the trustees where monies rightfully belonging to her were being diverted to her brother - a 'well known' figure in her home city.

I requested that she send me an email with further details as well as specific allegations and her reply took 6 months to get to me.

Not downplaying the very real possibility that Mrs Dumont is being cheated out of money or assets rightfully hers - her emails paint a picture of a high-functioning schizophrenic. Rambling, emotive, short of any real facts or specific details (even after being asked repeatedly for them), Mrs Dumont's emails are difficult to decipher. From what little I have been able to deduce, however, I do feel that there may be something in this.

Unlike in Mrs Milfoy's case.

Mrs Milfoy believes that Persons Unknown have, for an unfathomable reason, been subtly harassing her for the past 8-10 years, even having moved around various parts of the country several times. There have been no direct confrontations - all she has to go on are things like hearing someone's voice outside her house that sounded very much like a voice she heard 4 years ago, a similar cough or other noises.

She doesn't know why someone would be doing this to her except for the possibility that she hadn't done something she ought to have. What that something was, she didn't elaborate.

She brought with her a box that she set down 10 feet from our table. She explained that it was her clock/radio that she thought might be bugged or have a camera installed.

I explained that it was highly unlikely that anyone would go to the lengths she had described, for the past 8 or so years, without escalating the harassment into something more direct. Not to mention having followed her around the country and mounting a technical surveillance operation against her - a mild-mannered middle-aged woman.

She didn't work for MI5 or the CIA, I asked?

No, she laughed.

Of course, if she *did* work for either (or similar) she *would* say that - but she wouldn't need to hire a PI like me either.

To placate her, I took the box and said I'd open it up and have a look inside. I haven't done so yet but what do you think I'll find?

Poll open on top right.

* Obviously not their real names

Futatsu de jubun desu yo!

2011-06-20T01:32:00.002+02:00

"Give me four."

"Futatsu de jubun desu yo."

"No. Four. Two, two, four."

"Futatsu de jubun desu yo."

"And noodles."

While it's not 2016 in a darkly dystopian Los Angeles, we're not too far off, apart from geographic location of course. At least it's wet and miserable today.

Having completed a tricky job early this morning (I'm over jumping 6' fences in the rain!) I think it's time for a well-deserved treat of sushi while I wait for the next big case.

Also, I know I've been remiss in posting lately, Dear Reader. Never fear, there have been a few things worth writing about and I'll soon have them up. As you will see, it's been a bit hectic here so I hope you will bear with me.

Life not quite imitating art

2011-06-19T13:33:00.001+02:00

"It's Laurie at the trailer park. A space opened up. Do you want me to save it or are the cops going to let you stay where you are?"

Well, it finally happened.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have moved into a 15' caravan, currently parked on the front lawn of my host, Manson.

Rockford Files or just rock bottom?

You will recall my previous musings - particularly where I mentioned I had derided Saul Danson for his choice in living arrangements for years. Now he greets me like a long-lost brother.

Oh, the humiliation.

Still, it makes more than living in a trailer to make one trailer trash. Doesn't it?

I've put in a desk and have set up my temporary office. It's not all that bad although I'd never admit it. Still, it's a far cry from Rockford's 50' trailer and it's probably not going to be a long-term arrangement.

Sorry Danson, I'm just not converted.

A Comedy of Errors

2011-05-17T06:57:00.000+02:00

Sometimes, things just don't stand a chance of going according to plan.

Just a routine repo job for some industrial equipment squirelled away to a remote location. What could possibly go wrong?

Quite a lot of things, actually, as it would transpire.

Timing is everything and it couldn't have been much worse. Let me explain...

You may recall that recently I have fallen upon what may euphemistically be called "hard times". Now, more than ever, I really have become that cliched Hollywood staple of the down-on-his-luck PI.

Less romantically, what that means is that I am constantly battling a cashflow crisis. It's all well and good invoicing out thousands of dollars but when there's nothing in the bank right now, what are you going to do? The end result is that, financially, things are a little tight. Actually, more like I'm surviving day by day.

I'm not complaining. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope I've got enough steam to get me there.

However, the actual reality is that bills aren't being paid on time and sometimes services are being cut. Like my mobile phone (and this is important as it plays a vital part in what happens next).

So, let's get back to yesterday.

I get a call from one of my bead-and-butter out of town clients asking for an update regarding this repo job. Their client wasn't happy that it was taking so long and the message was get it done today or else they'll get someone else to do it.

Firstly, the reason it was taking so long is that it was an industrial piece of kit and I had made enquiries with the local agents as to the nature of it and whether I would need to bring tradesmen to disconnect it or could do it myself etc. Of course, no-one had gotten back to me by this stage.

Promising I would at least visit the site today I then discovered that I had made a false assumption. The rural town I had thought I would be visiting was incorrect, there was one of a similar name almost twice the distance that was the actual destination. Already having promised that I would attend this afternoon, I had no other choice but to do so.

My fuel gauge was alarmingly low but surely there was enough for this one trip and back, no?

Ever the optimist, I set forth into the countryside. My first warning that things could go wrong came about two-thirds of my way to the location when the low fuel warning light came on. Oh well, I was committed now. Surely there's enough to get me there and back, right?

Finding the address was trickier than anticipated (I'd driven several kilometers past and had to retrace my route) but eventually I was at the right gate. It was padlocked. Unfortunately, my lockpicks were a victim to recent events so the only recourse was to jump the gate. As I have right of entry under a certain piece of governing legislation, no worries!

Once on the property I made my way to the house where, naturally, no-one was home. I then proceeded to check the outbuildings where the information I was given placed the item sought. Two of the three buildings were not in use and were open. The third, however, was locked up tight. Again, I had no lockpicks to assist entry so had to find another way in. There were several smaller doors that were not visibly locked, at least from the outside, but somehow blocked from within. Foiled again!

Around the back of the building was an external lean-to, placed over some ducting. There was a mounting bracket and a hole that suspiciously looked like should be filled by the item I was seeking. However, it was conspicuously absent.

There was also a small door. While jammed, I managed to force it open enough to squeeze through and get into the building. Once inside I proceeded to look for the item but it just didn't seem to be there. It looked like a case of faulty intel. Well, that wouldn't be the first time, would it?

Then as I turned to leave, something caught my eye. Nestled under some boxes by a workbench, wrapped in plastic, lay the item in question. Oh yeah!

Smaller than anticipated but heavier than it looked, I managed to wrestle it back to my vehicle at the front gate. Fantastic! I got out the Warrant and was completing the paperwork that I was obliged to leave behind when I noticed the first discrepancy.

The Warrant was for a WANSON, the actual unit was a RIELLO (but another piece of documentation stated it was a RIELLO).

The second discrepancy was that the serial numbers did not match.

Right, all this could possibly be cleared up with a phone call. Oh, wait, did I mention that my mobile phone service had been blocked? No outoing calls...

Right. Well, time to make an executive decision. I wasn't going to leave the item after having come all this way. As they say, it's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission, and I could always blame the instructions I was given.

So I loaded up the vehicle and headed back to the city. A check at the fuel gauge was none too promising, it's going to be touch-and-go. But as I got into the last town before home, I'd been driving the last 70km on 'E'. I realised I wasn't going to make it much further.

Luckily, I had my laptop and only needed to find a spot with wifi so as to be able to contact someone. Well, do you think country towns have a surplus of wifi hotspots? No? You'd be right!

I limped into the local McDonald's carpark (no wifi there either) and then considered my options.

As a last resort, I managed to contact my mobile phone service provider. Explaining to them my situation and that I'd been a loyal and steadfast subscriber over the last 6 or so years, could they please restore service. After all, it would only be a week or so before I could make payment.

Fingers crossed.

Well, no problem, they said. They restored service immediately and I was able to phone good old Saul Danson (not his real name) who came to the rescue with some money for fuel.

Well, after all that hassle, the client calls me the next day asking that I return the item back to the owner and pick up a nominal sum of money that was barely more than the cost of me redelivering the item.

Are you kidding me?

Knowing your worth

2011-05-17T00:49:00.001+02:00

I have to admit, Dear Reader, that a recent episode has left me scratching my head. I'm not sure whether I should be morally outraged or justifiably pleased with a job done well.

I'll let you be the judge.

I received an international enquiry from company seeking to use my services in the straightforward matter of service of some legal documents on a woman here in town.

No problems! I quoted my standard rates and this was agreeable to the Client.

He emailed the said documents to me and, although the woman had vacated the given address, I was able to serve her at her new abode the day after receipt.

Marvellous!

In a surprising display of magnanimity, I didn't even charge any extra for tracing the new address as it was rather easily obtained at hardly any extra effort.

I notified the Client and was told that payment would be made the following working day.

Great! It's not a large sum. Hell, it's hardly even qualifies as a small sum, but it all counts, eh?

Then I thought I'd check out my client's website and read with ~~indignation~~ interest his charges to his clients for service to my part of the world.

Depending on whether the documents were to be served urgently, or not, he charged his client 18 or 36 times what I'd charged him!

Yes, that's right. My $70-odd job became either $1350 or $2700.

The rationale behind this is that, presumably, getting things done internationally is less than straighforward - which it isn't - and therefore higher charges are applied. Actually, the little blurb describing this part of the world made it sound like we never get anything done and it's only the promise of a bonus for job completed promptly that gets us out of bed. Seriously, a touch patronising and even offensive, but I might have been still in shock at his prices at that stage.

So, now to my question. Given his charging structure, in the future:

Should I charge him something more 'appropriate' and in line with his own charges - say $500 (remembering that I'd charge locals $70 for the same service)?
Should I charge him the $70 and be content for having completed another job satisfactorily, knowing what he charges his clients is none of my concern?
Should I have a separate chargeout rate for international clients, more than I'd normally charge domestic clients but not too outrageous either?

I believe that many who deal with international clients may favour '3' as there is always the risk of not being paid when the work is completed and, obviously, chances of recouping monies owed slim. In my own personal experience, I've had more issues (percentage-wise) with receiving payment from international clients - particularly from those considered neighbours.

This is probably going to be weighing on my mind a while.

Another Product Review: Handheld A4 Document Scanner

2011-05-03T04:53:00.001+02:00

Okay, I'm not sure what the actual brand of this scanner is as it seems to be one of those types of electronic gadgetry that is branded with a number of different names.

Here it is as the Scan Master Portable Scanner.

So, what did I think of it?

The Good

It's small. Size isn't everything, except when you're after portablity, when it is.
Speed. Depending on resolution (300x300dpi or 600x600dpi) and whether colour or black & white, an A4 scan takes between 2-13 seconds. I mainly use the mono low setting, so 2 seconds is good enough for me.
Durability. Probably not part of the design but this thing is hardy. I've dropped mine onto concrete about 4 or 5 times now (yeah, I've got butter fingers), and it's still working fine.

The Bad

It's small. Yes, well, it's small enough that I ~~lost~~ misplaced it after it's first official use. I can't tell you how annoying that was! Essentially I paid twice the price for the product but it's worth it as it has proven itself to be invaluable over the past few months.
It's incomplete. The scanner does not come with an SD memory card and has no onboard memory. You have to additionally purchase an SD card prior to use which is rather annoying. I like things to be immediately useable out of the box.

The Indifferent

Finnickyness. As you might expect, having a steady hand is required when running the scanner over documents, otherwise the JPEG image will be skewed. I'm not necessarily anal about it but you might be. Also, when scanning in colour, particularly at the higher resolution, the winking error light is all but guaranteed if you're too fast. Lastly, if the documents are creased or there may be staples etc, I've had some issues getting the scanner over them.
Formats. There's just one: JPEG. I'm pretty sure when I made my purchase (online) the blurb stated it could scan to a variety of formats including PDF etc. Well, it doesn't, and I have to manually convert the scanned images to PDF. Not really a deal-breaker, just a little annoying. Similarly, multi-page documents need to be compiled manually.

Overall Verdict

Even despite the several annoyances mentioned, I'll rate the scanner as a A-/A for relative ease of use, portability, and cool factorness. For what I (and presumably you) are likely to use it for, it's an indispensible tool. Get one now.

Product Review: Canon PIXMA iP100 Portable Printer

2011-04-26T07:27:00.000+02:00

I know you are all waiting breathlessly for my reviews of recently acquired gadgets and I don't wish to disappoint.

Well, after a couple of months use of the Canon PIXMA portable printer, here are my thoughts; good, bad, and indifferent.

The Good

It's portable. Well, duh! Actually, this is the sole reason justifying the purchase - the desire for a portable unit to print documents, invoices etc in the field as required.
Battery life. The lithium-ion battery provided supposedly is good for around 290-odd pages before needing a recharge. While it doesn't sound like a lot, it is sufficient for my purposes as most documents I print are in the 3-30 page range.
Speed. Supposedly prints 20ppm in Black & White and up to 16ppm in colour. As most of what I print are documents rather than pictures, it's good enough that I'm not waiting too long for larger files to print out.

The Bad

Ink. Not having used ink-jet printers before, I wasn't too impressed with the 200-page capacity for the black ink cartridge (PGI-35) or the 100-page capacity for the colour cartridge (CLI-36). This makes the printer less than economical for use as a 'general purpose' printer. My hope was that I could do away with the need for an office (and maybe I still can) but for printing out files, jobsheets, and other routine paperwork that I don't need on the fly, I'm better off getting a cheap laser printer and preprinting documents before heading out, leaving the portable printer for occasional use as required.

The Indifferent

Connectivity. I'm happy enough with using the USB connection instead of paying additionally for the bluetooth module. This module can always be purchased separately if required anyway. I haven't bothered with testing the IR connection and doubt it would work all that well given how the printer is used but I would have thought that a bluetooth connection could have been included as standard rather than the IR.

Overall Verdict

Given that the main function of this printer is portability and therefore some other functionality is likely to suffer, I give the iP100 a solid B/B+ rating. If you are relying on this to be your sole printer, you will probably be disappointed with the frequency of ordering replacement ink cartridges (as I am), but if this is for occasional use in the field - it's just the ticket!

They don't advertise for killers in a newspaper

2011-04-21T11:55:00.002+02:00

Sushi, that's what my ex-wife called me.

Cold fish.*

I don't have an ex-wife, or even a current wife for that matter. But as I like to say (usually at weddings), I'm actually in the marriage business. Well, I'm usually called in more towards the end rather than the beginning but it's the same tired old game...

Actually, I don't think I've had any domestic cases since Mrs Crusoe, which is just as well since I hate them. And that one didn't end so well either; I spent far too many unpaid hours on the case and generally lost all interest when Mrs Crusoe became too demanding as to how I spent my unpaid time on her case.

Be that as it may, another interesting news story of a marriage going sour has surfaced from Mount Clemens, Michigan, where a group of four have been recently arrested in a bungled 'murder for hire' plot to kill Jessica Sears. Sears' husband, Kevin, was in a relationship with one of the accused.

The tale really is not all that interesting in itself as the plot failed. Twice. But some details are telling.

Well, just the one really - they were going to pay the would-be hitman the princely sum of $1000 to do the deed.

$1000?

What self-respecting hitman would get out of bed for $1000?

Does this modest fee assure you of the contractor's competency? Judging by the results, I'm guessing maybe the pricing was on the mark, for services rendered.

Also, like Mrs Crusoe, the plotters did their own surveillance. Says it all right there.

Fucking amateurs!

*Actually, sushi (寿司) does not translate as 'cold fish' but, literally, to administer longevity. I guess the lesson is that sushi is good for you... well, I already knew that.

Life imitating art - or at least TV

2011-03-31T15:23:00.000+02:00

For those of you that remember The Rockford Files between 1974-1980, starring that old stalwart James Garner, you may recall the peculiar living circumstances of the main character.

He lived in a 50' trailer.

Granted, he had a beachfront view, but it was still a trailer.

Now I'm not one to begrudge someone's 'alternative' life choices if they decide that conventional four walls doesn't suit them. In fact one of my best friends, Saul Danson (not his real name), is committed to his free-spirited lifestyle unconstrained by standard conventions. Never mind that it's been quite some years since his house bus has moved anywhere and the area around it is as well-developed as an established garden in front of any normal house.

But that's another story.

The reason I bring this up is that it may be my own future living arrangement. My host, Manson, appears to be looking for ways to get me from sleeping on his couch and has mooted this possibility.

I guess if it's good enough for Rockford...

No resemblance, living or dead

2011-03-25T22:14:00.000+01:00

Many of you, no doubt, wonder exactly what a dodgy private investigator looks like.

Some of you seem to, mistakenly, think that they may bear a striking resemblence to myself. (That's nothing but slander, Saul Danson!)

Well, here is a stunning example of a truly dodgy PI. No resemblance whatsoever.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Christopher Butler (his real name). You can read all about him and his sordid tale in this article by Peter Chooks at Diablo Magazine.

Rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated

2011-03-18T07:43:00.008+01:00

Well, Dear Reader, you must excuse my tardiness in posting as I have been otherwise pre-occupied. You may have heard.

I was going to post my near-death experiences and tales of derring-do but, even a month on, I'm just tired of it all and prefer to think to the future rather than dwell on the past.

At 1251hrs on February 22, I made it out of my offices with literally the clothes on my back, the phone in my pocket, and my vehicle that was parked outside.

Actually, it was parked under the rickety fire escape and I was very surprised (and relieved) to find that the stairs hadn't collapsed on top of it. By all laws of probability, they should have.

Unfortunately, the scant items I left with pretty much comprised all my worldly possessions as the central city was locked down shortly thereafter, and I was unable to return. Not only are my offices and residence inside the designated red-zone, there is also a 'no-go' area at the heart of that area where, you guessed it, lies the building that once was dubbed "The Fortress".

That's where everything of substance I own, professionally and personally, remains.

All my wonderful tools. And notebooks. Oh, the humanity...

I have no idea when, or even if, I will be allowed to return and try to salvage anything. I don't even know if the building is still standing or whether it has been hurriedly demolished.

At the moment I am couch-surfing and trying to restart the business as best I can. To that end, I have scrounged together some items and now can boast a fully-mobile office. I can send and receive emails and faxes from the front seat of my car, scan documents with my hand-held scanner, and print up to 290 A4 sheets on my Canon Pixma ip100 portable printer.

I doubt I'll be working out of an office any time soon.

However, for the legalities of holding the necessary licences, I must have a place from which I conduct business - where said licences must be displayed. It's the law. Apparantly, 'of no fixed abode' just doesn't pass muster so I am on the hunt for a kindly and hospitable host who will be willing to put my licences up somewhere in their fine establishment.

Then I really would be that stereotypical PI who works out of a bar or cafe, kind of like Parker Kane. (In case you didn't see that particular gem, he had a whole booth at the diner).

I would try a strip club but, unfortunately, it was a couple of doors down from my office. I'd been given a full guided tour through it the day before, by sheer coincidence. For 'research' purposes only, you understand.

While things are about as bad as they can get, I can't help but feel things will be better than before, in time. If I can survive this, the result will be a leaner and more efficient business.

So enough with the doom and gloom, I'm actually excited about what the future may hold - but I do hope I can at least rescue some of my personal possessions. It's not fun living out of a few plastic bags.

And on that note, please consider the recent events in Japan. If you are able, please make a donation.

Thank you.

It's not stalking if you have a licence

Wanted: Mrs Peel

What would the Jesus do?

Why the long face...?

Yep, definitely little people...

Answer me this...

Moscow Rules

Happiness is possibly overrated

Happiness is... a good notebook

Happy New Year!

This PI's New Year's Resolutions

Novel Marketing Strategy for 2012

Adventures in Banjo Country

Season's Greetings

If you're not cop, you're little people.

Do not adjust your set...

Surveillance Woes - 3rd Party Awareness

Trash no longer!

Serious as...?

More things that get my goat: Property Investors

Working undercover

Full disclosure?

Show me the money

Things That Really Get My Goat - #1 - Unlicenced Investigators

Why bother?

I told me so...

The threat is in the mail

A joke's a joke...

An offer I can't refuse...?

Did you hear the one about the lawyer...?

Like sands through the hourglass...

Pants on Fire #2

Monday WTF Files #1: Lies, Damned Lies, & Statistics

PI Mailbag - Answering Your Questions (or your money back)*

Interesting but a little depressing

Oh I am so going to that Special Hell

A sneak peek into the high-risk, action-packed world of...

Happiness is.....?

Reaction time is a factor in this so please pay attention

#ethicalpi?

Why me?

Refusal may offend

Local investigator killed in mysterious crash

Off to the Land of Milk and Honey...

The importance of a support network

PI-noir fashion

It's not paranoia if someone *is* out to get you

Futatsu de jubun desu yo!

Life not quite imitating art

A Comedy of Errors

Knowing your worth

Another Product Review: Handheld A4 Document Scanner

Product Review: Canon PIXMA iP100 Portable Printer

They don't advertise for killers in a newspaper

Life imitating art - or at least TV

No resemblance, living or dead

Rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated

It's not paranoia if someone is out to get you